My wife and I decided to sit down and do her tax returns tonight online. We thought it would be a great bonding experience as we sipped shirley temples, ate tortilla chips and guacamole dip in our matching “Dora the Explorer Nightgowns”.
My wife earns a grand total of $4800.00 annually but you would think after reading these tax return questions she is the “Pope of Greenwich Village” and distributes cocaine like “Al Pacino in Scarface”.
This years tax return inquiries were much more intricate compared to last year as they asked questions in the form of “Where do your children murder hamsters and dispose of their victims? Or questions like “How many of your 11 year old children have committed a felony in 2016?” Our Answer was one! (Just had to be honest.)
The IRS was also so kind to ask “How many times did your 11 year old sons leave the country and spend US currency on “Ricky Martin Speedos.” My personal favorite question was “Did you attend a William Hung concert” as some back up Siamese dancer “she banged” his/her head on a Toyota Celica to a Godzilla soundtrack?
I felt all these questions were legitimate and fair. My wife disagreed as her impatience level escalated and she smacked me in my frontal lobe with a flash light followed by a “Jack Link Teriyaki Beef Jerky”.
I felt our relationship was taking a turn for the worst at this point so I did the only romantic gesture I knew and started singing “She’s Like the Wind” by Patrick Swayze in my sponge bob stockings and quickly realized I had a molded Cinnabun jammed into my eyeball and a corkscrew wine opener lodged into my rectum.
So now I’m sitting here watching Sports Center like a mentally challenged ape with hemeroids and shredded up tax return documents and a gift certificate to Alcohols Anonymous.
At least we have Valentines Day to look forward too!