I must take a moment and honor my police officer friends and all the other men & women who risk their lives to protect us so we can exist safely and do what we do.
First of all, I have the utmost respect for all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping myself and my family safe each and everyday. Without you and your bravery, we wouldn’t have the opportunity to drive around in our nice cars without being carjacked. We would not be able to order our White Castle crave cases at midnight from the local drive through. We would not be protected from the crazy Cyclops homeless guy looking to steal our socks and underwear outside of Panera Bread.
Ok enough about that. Let’s talk about when you officers pull us over. I always wondered why you all must feel the need to put your sunglasses on, grab your belt like you just won a “WWF Royal Rumble” and proceed to inhale before asking for our license and registration as if you’re “Randy Macho Man Savage” snapping into a slim jim.
I have worked in construction for 20 years and I also wear a belt containing many tools and it can be very heavy at times. Only time I grab my belt is when I have to take a pee or remove a deer tick attempting to bury itself in my ass crack trying to insert Lyme Disease.
My next issue is when you are trailing behind us in your police vehicles. This has to be one of the most stressful situations for any motorist. Many of us have not driven a car using the 10 & 2 method since our road test. (Which most of us failed twice). As soon as we see you behind us we grab our steering wheel like 97 year old women trying to get out of a shower and start searching for our license and registration like Stevie Wonder at an Easter Egg Hunt.
Then you proceed to throw your lights on behind us as we crap a granola bar. Then you politely drive past us as we search for baby wipes and the nearest rest stop!
My personal favorite is when the Sheriff department gets involved. In my local community I am close with many officers who I call my friends and grew up with. Once they take the oath, your childhood “kickball sessions” and “seven minutes in heaven” with these officers goes out the window like a Big Mac wrapper during a typhoon.
Personally knowing so many officers, I happened to get pulled over by a rookie cop recently. Just my luck. I was guilty. I was talking on my cell phone while driving.
He asked for my license and registration and I complied. Turned out I had a warrant for an issue I had 7 years prior. I had no idea of this. The warrant amount was $50.00 but in all fairness the officers did not know the details of the warrant.
The rookie officer was only doing his job and notified the Sherrif’s Department as my warrant came up in the system. Sherrif’s arrived and so did six cop friends I went to school with. It was awkward as I wanted to play “seven minutes in heaven” but we dealt with it like adults and the officers treated me with respect and handled the situation professionally.
My biggest issue is when we got to the police station and I had to empty my pockets. Turns out I just finished a construction job for a buddy of mine who owns a pizza shop so he paid me in $10 bills. $1500 worth. So now I look like a drug dealing pimp.
To make matters even worse we had a family 40th birthday to attend that evening.
Needless to say, we worked it out and my officer friends helped me out. We got it all situated.
Best part was I got home in time. Put my suit on. Wife came home from work as I told her “You will never believe what happened to me today”. She said, “What did you do now?”
Party was great by the way!!!