Body hair. It has been a staple in our DNA since the beginning of time. Whether you were blessed with the hair follicle genes of a Woolly Mammoth or that of a chiseled smooth Greek God, you must accept your fate. This was the hand you were dealt.
Considering there are a few living & breathing homosapiens who walk amongst us who happen to resemble that of the Cro-Magnon Era, most people have evolved over time. Before I get into this, I must talk about my own personal experience within this epidemic.
Meeting new people in life is exciting and tends to keep us on our toes socially in a world where it is easy to lose your sense of existence at times.
With every new friendship comes new curious questions. One of the most common topics I personally find myself engaged in is family heritage. When I am asked, I speak the truth. My mother is half Italian and half Irish. My dad is 100% Yeti
I remember growing up and having this nightmarish vision tattooed in my brain of my dad exiting the shower. He resembled a St. Bernard on a “slip and slide” at Action Park. He made the endangered “Chia Pet” list in 1982. This guy had hair coming out of his pupils. Well the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
As a young man growing up, I always had a nice full head of blonde hair. On my head that is. My surrounding body hair was minimal during my teens and throughout my twenties. Once I turned 30 that shit changed. Rapidly.
One day I awoke and took a peak in the mirror and noticed my hair on my head was getting a bit thin. Thought nothing of it. Just accepted it and said to myself “It is what it is”.
Then on my 32nd birthday I started to notice hair growth on my shoulder blades and triceps. I did not like this scenario one bit but there was nothing I could do.
By the time I turned 33 I had a full patch of hair growing on the top of my foot. My elbow looked like a poison ivy bush and my thumbs resembled a shower drain after a women’s shower.
So naturally I was concerned as most of the hair on my head disappeared. I won’t get into that Japanese maple tree that sprouted above my ass crack. That shit keeps me insulated in the cold winter months.
After several conversations with local scientists they confirmed that the strands of hair on my head were falling out and landing on various parts of my body and germinating. So now I look like the the son of a 70’s porn star. It’s terrible and my wife and I must schedule appointments to have me hop up on the kitchen table periodically so she can “sheer me like a lamb.” It’s for a good cause as I donate all clippings to “Locks for Love.” Enough about me.
Let’s talk about the love of my life!
My wife is a relatively hairless being. She has a few stragglers but nothing to be concerned about with the exception of her legs occasionally. I get it. It’s natural and I never complain. We been married for a long time. She’s comfortable with me. I actually use her hairy arachnid legs at times to dig out splinters I accumulate during the work day. It’s a bonding experience.
Here is my dilemma.
My wife decided to go to a local massage parlor the other day to get her foot and calf rubbed for 30 minutes. I said “Enjoy babe. You deserve it.”
She comes home and pulls her Lue La Roe pants up and shows me her legs and says “Can we hire a Chinese women to massage my feet whenever I want?” I said “Sure babe. Whatever you want”
I was curious so I stroked her knee cap and felt the smoothest surface on earth. So I ventured down to her shin and it was as soft as a baby’s ass. It was like a piece of polished granite. Even smelled like “White Diamond.”
Now here is a women who hasn’t shaved her legs since prom. When she wants her leg rubbed by Bruce Lee she orders a Flobe and a weed wacker and polishes her fibula off with cocoa butter.
The following evening we were on a date and began to get intimate. I stroked her leg and I felt like I was getting to third base with “Harry and the Henderson’s.”
To sum things up. My kids are “up shits creek without a paddle” in the body hair department.
Hopefully by the time this will affect my offspring there will be and App for that.