Marrying my wife and starting a family has been the best decision I have ever made.
Of course we have faced obstacles and challenges along the way leading up to this part of our lives. Who hasn’t.
I must honestly say, watching our children transform and grow from an x-ray photograph that resembles a deformed chicken to young boys about to enter their teenage years has been an incredible adventure.
Everyday is a new beginning and although there has been many days I’ve wanted to yank their pants down and smack their milky white heinie with a hockey stick, I wouldn’t trade these moments and memories for anything in the world.
It all seemed to happen so fast for my wife and I. Except for the dating part. I needed to test drive the love of my life for ten years before I made a lifelong commitment. This method is still not a guarantee your life and marriage will work out as planned. Shit happens in life. I was lucky enough she waited around for my lazy ass. I finally built up the courage and bank account to ask the woman of my dreams to be my wife. She said yes and then threw a piece of calamari at my forehead and shouted “it’s about time asshole”.
We set a date to be married a year later. Our wedding was amazing. My wife always said as a little girl her dream was to get married at the Surf Club in New Rochelle. Thanks to my amazing mother and father in-law, her dream came true. We went on our honeymoon and both agreed upon returning we wanted children right away as the ripe age of 30 was upon us.
From what I have heard, two mating individuals must connect and fornicate in order to reproduce. I believe history has proven this. I was the exception to this rule of reproduction. One day I happened to be walking down our hallway and I accidentally rubbed against my wife’s knee cap and a week later she was pregnant with twins. I was hoping for a few practice sessions before we finalized the deal but God had a different plan for us.
Some women have a hard time with pregnancy. Not my wife. This lady blew up like a Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade Float and inhaled “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” and “Dill Sandwich Pickles” like Fat Albert at Chicken Pot Pie eating contest! Man this girl could eat.
Nine months came and went and before you knew it the boys were here. Then shit got real. I’ll never forget the night the two of them
were crying uncontrollably as we were trying to get them on a schedule for the first time. My wife was sprawled out sobbing on the newly waxed hallway hardwood floor with a beer in hand like a leper on crack.
Eventually all parents figure it out. Well most do. Years come and go and before you know it your little deformed chickens are in middle school. That’s where my wife and I sit on this crazy roller coaster ride called life!
If there was one thing I believe we did wrong in raising our children up to this point was this. Wiping their ass cracks after they took a dump. My wife always had an issue with them not fully wiping themselves clean. I get it but you have to let them learn on their own. I believed eventually they would figure it out as itchy and smelly ass cracks would become quite annoying.
She had other plans. My boys were nine and she would line up behind them as my offspring crouched down like an offensive football lineman. She armed herself with a power washer, a shop vac, a leaf blower, wood chipper, seven ply toilet paper, gas mask and wetnaps. She would wipe these 118lb boys asses who shit turds the size of small children like the CEO of Hagaan Daz. One day some poop got wedged under her newly French manicured nail and I believe that was her breaking point. That was the deciding moment she would never wipe a butt crack again.
Tonight I attended a fundraiser for a friend. Not that my boys are at the dating age yet but I saw one of my sons interacting with a girl and I said to myself, wow he is growing up so fast.
Enjoy your family and children every opportunity you get. This is a crazy world we live in. Time rapidly passes by all of us as we are consumed by our daily busy lives. Continue reading “Our precious children. They grow up so fast!”