New York blizzard. Ass has gas!

Blizzard of March 14, 2017. Rockland County, NY. They called her Stella. Today our area took on a shitload of the white stuff. Some areas were hit harder than others. Keep in mind it was almost 70 degrees last week as I ambitiously began removing my speedos and wife beaters from my summer draw. Weather has been crazy lately. Just can’t figure it out.

Considering meteorologists and weatherman forecasts are about as accurate as a two year old peeing into a toilet,  the announcement of this storm was taken with a grain of salt by most.

Make no mistake, people were preparing themselves regardless. The need for milk, bread and eggs is a Yoda like force. When individuals feel like they will be stuck in their home for a day, the urge to concoct French Toast over takes them. What else are you going to make with that ingredient list? I personally never understood it. My priorities are a bit different. If I am forced to be home in the house, I want beer, booze and burritos by my side. If I’m going to overdose on something, I’ll go down with Vodka rather than milk.

Who needs a weatherman when you have social media. My friends on these social outlets believe they are the next Amy Freeze or Lee Goldberg.

Everybody is entitled to opinions and predictions but the debates over potential weather conditions is far worse than a presidential debate. Well, not this years debate! People were assassinating family members as a result of this years elections. I won’t go any further on this. I enjoy talking politics as much as I enjoy discussing the removal of my eyeballs.

No matter what you believed, the storm graced us with her presence and it hit hard.  State of emergency was in order.

Most living in the predicted areas woke up to a white winter blanket of snow covering our cars rising up to the door locks and consumed our mailboxes as that little red flag rose in defeat.

The scene outside was breathtaking until you had to actually go out and shovel that shit. Wind gusts intensified the storm as snow was blown in every direction.

Before we attempted any type of snow removal, some roasting of veggies was in order. My wife thought it was a terrific idea to insert some healthy diet into the families food intake. I agreed as I ate brownies and bacon. What I forgot was the affect a healthy dose of green roasted veggies had on a human beings control of gas releases from their rear ends. I was soon reminded.

My wife and I bundled up like a couple of Jamaicans preparing for a bob sledding contest coached by John Candy. I put on my velour slippers with a pair of yellow rubber dishwashing gloves. She wrapped herself in a teal green bath robe accompanied by a Madonna “Like a Virgin” scarf. We shoveled for a minute and a half. Cracked a beer. Hired the local kids in the neighborhood to finish up the remaining shoveling details. This shit was for the birds and my toes were beginning to feel like frozen corn.

After signing a detailed contract supplied by the lawyer of the children, I agreed reluctantly and the driveway snow removal began. These children, the future of America, displayed the work ethic & enthusiasm of Flavor Flav at an arraignment. Each time I glanced out my window to check on the progress of my investment, the entire work force was sitting down on a snow bank discussing the latest Kerry Perry album and the most trendy latte from Starbucks. It was a sad day.

Back in my day we would knock on a neighbors door. Beg to shovel the driveway. Agree to a $10 dollar fee. Get it done and move on to the next driveway. Unfortunately the youth today would rather “watch me whip and watch me nay nay” as they film themselves on Snapchat looking like wild animals singing a Freddy Wap tune as balloons descend in the background.

As the day winded down and these little lawyered up entrepreneurs with the experience of an elementary first place field day team knocked on my door demanding payment for a sub par snow removal job, I handed over the cash in fear of my home being financially leaned and the inconvenience of future court appearances.

I finally found comfort on the couch and it was time to check out the social media accounts. My entire feed consisted of chicken soup, every type of beer brewed since prohibition, portraits of children suffering from extreme frost bite and those assholes rubbing their 85 degree weather in our frozen faces who have moved out of the area and now reside in Florida. Fuck off!

The family enjoyed hearty plates of roasted green veggies and within minutes ass cracks were belting out Metallica’s greatest hits and my house began to smell like a Mexican Port-a-John on Cinco Di Mayo.

We decided to end the days festivities watching my wife’s favorite TV show “This Is Us”. I personally have never watched this but each week I witnessed my wife walking into the bedroom sobbing like a girl who has just lost her dog, cat, goldfish, first cabbage patch kid and her virginity in the same hour. I was curious of what all the crying was about. I have been known to shed a tear as a result of a David Hasselhoff Hallmark Christmas movie so it peaked my interest. This episode did not bring a tear to my wife’s eye until the very last moment. Personally I believe re-runs of the Cosby show would have been much more emotional. Just saying.

It is all about memories in the end. I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to be home with my family today. I am even more excited to be able to write about these unexpected events and share them all with you. I hope everyone who was stuck home as a result of the blizzard had as much fun as I did. I look forward to the next natural disaster.