Today my wife came home with a box of tea packets she purchased at a concession stand from the local flea market. The tea was called “Happy Colon.”
The purpose of this tea is to encourage her colon to deal with the daily struggles as it
attempts to extract maximum colon happiness from all of life’s challenges and obstacles.
At first I had my suspicions of “unhappy colon syndrome”. I never heard of such a condition. I wasn’t sure if this disease even existed. I was curious and decided to investigate. I wanted to learn more about this. I thought if my wife is suffering, I wanted to educate myself and fully understand what she may be going through. So I Googled it.
Description was as follows. “If your colon is unhappy, you most likely did not wipe your asshole good enough.”
Made sense but I wanted to give my wife the benefit of the doubt. I knew there was more to this. Naturally, as a concerned husband, I asked her why her colon was unhappy and was there anything I could do.
Understanding this was a touchy subject I decided to give her the necessary time and space I felt an individual needs who painfully suffers from “unhappy colon syndrome”
Then I began to back track. I tried to remember any signs she may have given me or obvious cries for help she may have belted out over the past 22 years to indicate her colon was upset. Then it hit me.
I was blinded by her struggles. Selfish to her needs. This poor woman had a condition. She begged for my help as the years passed and I just treated these warning signs as if she was constipated for a few decades.
I assumed her colon was a happy colon and was enjoying its life. It always seem to sing happy songs on a daily basis. It jiggled all around performing the macarena up and down the hallway as I chased it with a spatula. Her colon even acted as a generator and provided electricity for our home during a hurricane when the power went out and kept our goldfish alive during this time of desperation.
I thought her colon was quite heroic and doing its part in contributing to society. I was obviously wrong.
Further research has shown “unhappy colon syndrome” is a very serious condition and unless properly treated, can lead to unpredicted mood swings, castration of the husbands genitals, wear and tear of all vehicle fabric along with destruction of dining room table seat cushions.
Although today my wife and I have an open policy with our colons, it wasn’t always that way. I was against any type of breaking wind and all other colon activities. It was a deal breaker for me. I just didn’t want to believe her colon was active. And somehow someway, this volcanic eruption of a female ass kept her natural daily occurrences a secret for over twenty years. How she managed this will be a mystery until the end of time.
Today she blows more gas out of her ass than a BBQ propane refill station. She releases enough natural fuel to send a hot air balloon to Jupiter.
Bottom line is this. Pay attention to
your significant others colon. It may need help. Colons have feelings. Sometimes they may not wear emotions on their sleeves but “colon lives matter.”
I will be creating a “Go Fund My Wife’s Colon” page on Facebook. We will also be doing the “Colon Challenge” to raise money and awareness to help shed light on this horrific epidemic in attempt to save or rebuild as many colons as we possibly can. Together, with your help and a commercial featuring Rosie O’Donnell’s colon, we can put an end to this.
Our goal is simple. We will strive to make each and every colon flourish. All colons, no matter what color or shape, shall receive the same equal opportunity as the colons before them.
I’m sorry. I’m obsessed with this photo. Can’t believe my colon will finally be happy!!!