Fire! Fire! It can save a marriage!

The power of fire. I’m not sure what a burning piece of firewood does for all the other husbands wives out there but this I know for certain. When I so much as light a match in front of my wife she gets turned on like an LED light bulb at a Thomas Edison motivational speech convention hosted by Tony Robbins and co-hosted by that Guidette broad from “Long Island Meduim” with the “something about Mary” jizz hair due who speaks to dead people. Yeah ok.

This woman walks around and has the balls to make us believe she has the ability to communicate with the dead? TLC pays this lady who’s only credibility consists of a reading of some homeless chick at McDonald’s ordering a one piece chicken nugget and a side of honey BBQ sauce as this Nostradamus brain surgeon earns 20k per episode as her dead beat over cooked tanning bed husband with Popeye anchor tattoos on his elbow just prances around like he’s JT bringing sexy back. Please. He’s actually pretty cute for an older gentleman.

I see dead people all the time. Like at the funeral parlor. I don’t get paid for that shit. I particularly enjoy when this Debbie Gibson wannabe so called “Medium” just randomly calls out some cashier at Dunkin Donuts. I find it quite amusing when she says, and I quote, “Did someone close to you pass? Like in the last 35 years?”…No shit you dumb orange adopted daughter of Donald Trump. Chances are somebody died within four decades. Just a hunch.

My wife watches this show as if this shit is actually happening live and when this “Guidette Medium” senses a spirit, my wife becomes emotionally attached as if that physic midget from Poltergeist may actually save Carol Anne from a bad cable TV connection. Stay away from the light!!!

Getting back to fire. If I must be honest and frank? I believe the key to a healthy and successful marriage is fire. If your marriage and connection with your partner is fading and you can’t figure it out or the passion is dying simply start burning shit. Anything you can. Just set anything and everything on fire. Even the children. The house. The vehicles. Just burn baby burn.

Fire will bring the fire back into your relationship. Trust me. My wife hasn’t looked at me in three months. Except when she needs money for bills of course.

I recently set fire to her puke green cotton robe and fluffy Maroon 5 moccasins and miraculously she acknowledged my presence and asked how have I been lately. It was nice to know my presence was felt.

One of my wife’s lifelong dreams is to own a fire pit. I always tried to make this dream a reality but the cost of a fire pit was just a smidgen above our budget. Until today. I checked the mail and my tax return in the amount of $137.00arrived to my surprise. I was so excited. I cashed the check and raced to Lowes. I found the cheapest most rusted broken down leftover 2016 fire pit available and I struck a deal with the Lowes employee who’s pants were wrapped around his calfs as his earlobes were made up of what I can only describe as fat round black Shrek wedding rings. He was an interesting looking fella.

I skipped home and presented the gift to my wife. She was so happy. Most women want diamonds and expensive pocket books. Not this girl. All she wants is fire and a vacuum so once she burns me to death she can suck up my charred remains. Smart!

Fire. Fire. Fire. Trust me gentleman. When you come home tonight light a candle. Burn the cat. Boil some water. It will be life changing. Your significant other might even nibble on your pecker. Good luck!

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