Although my recent posts have been heartfelt and sentimental along with some wishy washy shit, make no mistake, that was just a phase as I was getting my period.
I will get personal again with my posts when I feel the time is right. Now I feel like talking about the restaurant industry. More importantly, how we are taken care of as customers.
My family and I have been hitting up restaurants since my boys were infants. My wife and I way before that. We love food and I always thought it was important to expose our children to the restaurant atmosphere and acclimate them at a very young age.
True story. My son Jake took a bite of his ravioli at the ripe age of 4 at a local restaurant and sent that shit back. He said the cheese was sour. The Spanish cook came to the table with his brass tooth and a Boston Redsox backwards hat and asked us in Spanish, “what’s the problemo Ming?” My son replied, the ravioli is sour. The chef replied, “no ming!” So I proceeded to grab this prick and shoved the rotten ravioli down his throat and he smiled and said, “yeah ming, no good.” No shit Don Juan.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Not only do we have to experience a bad meal, we must now have the pleasure of watching our gourmet Lydia Italian chef Paco Gonzalez shimmy on over towards the restroom as he pinches his ass crack like he is passing a kidney stone through his belly button.
Don’t get me wrong, we all must use the bathroom at times. I’m sure you are all aware of my families bathroom and gas habits by now but that’s another post.
Do me a favor, if the establishment you work at does not have a personal employee restroom, take your smelly ass outback behind the dumpster with a five gallon empty chicken wing bucket and a handful of wet naps and conduct your business. It’s simple. I don’t need to be chomping on my steak as you walk out of the restroom that is strategically located next to my table that you have selfishly occupied for 87 minutes with a shit eating grin on your face like you just gave birth to Selena. Cook my dinner and I never want to see you. Ever!
Another thing that aggravates the shit out of me is when the waiters or waitresses have an issue pronouncing the daily specials. If you decide to take the plunge and invest in the restaurant business, please hire a staff that can communicate with us. That’s all we ask. The other day the very nice waiter, and he was sweet, announced the specials. First on the special menu was Hooooomas. What the fuck is that? You mean “Humus”. Oh yes sir. Humus. Next was “greys feed Val”..haha..what? Do you mean “grass fed veal”. Oh yes sir. “Last we have a delistast sir Lon sake wit mush pititos an sitike moshbrooms an a homey glize sas”. So I just gave the fuck up at the point. I ordered a cheeseburger and called it a night.
My point is this. You are in the hospitality business. We as customers walk into your establishments willing to spend money we don’t have. The least you can do is provide us with a server who can communicate with us. Next, please, please and please again don’t ever let the cook walk into the general seating area with his 3ft white chef hat decorated in yellow Mardi Gras beads paired with his stylish orange New Balance sweatpants that has not been washed since Jesus was a baby. That shit is unattractive.
We all enjoy getting out once in a while and visiting your restaurants. Remember, If we spend $150 for chicken and rissoto and you charge us for a seltzer and a coffee, you will never see us again! 😁 Or at least me!
Tell me about your restaurant experiences and your thoughts! Would love to hear!
What the fuck is “moshbrooms?”