Has the human race officially put animals before our own species? I ask myself and all of you this question as recent events have convinced me this may just be the case.
We all love animals. They are cute. They are cuddly. They comfort us when we are down. They love us unconditionally. They never judge our decisions. Sounds like perfect human qualities?
Animals are basically equipped with many characteristics that human beings have a hard time expressing. Not all but most. I believe this is what attracts us to the Animal Kingdom.
I must address the most recent animal & human interaction that has taken the world & internet by storm. This giraffe. I know nothing about giraffes except it has a long neck and had a lead role in the Madagascar franchise films. The giraffe acted besides Ben Stiller and was portrayed by one of the actors from “Friends”. I think. Pretty sure it wasn’t the Italian guy who hung out with the ape or the one addicted to painkillers. The other one!!
I’m sure most of you are aware of April! The pregnant giraffe who was suppose to give birth at Woodstock while Jimmy Hendrix played but her contractions are irregular and the Dad giraffe allegedly took off to find a better life in Detroit. This has left April in distress and has complicated the delivery of her child. Which is fine. Nature will decide this. Except there has been a live feed into Aprils personal home allowing the world to watch this animal walk around her pen and lick her ass for two months. Each day it’s “Today is the day. April will deliver”. Bullshit. I been watching this crap develop since this bitch got knocked up behind the Zoo’s haystack by some horny bastard 18 months ago.
I have personally taken off work for three damn months and have put my marriage in serious turmoil. I have been glued to my social media streams eating my stale white cheddar popcorn and sipping my Busch Lights waiting for the arrival of this mucus covered newborn. I have even declined an invitation to my brothers wedding as I thought I might miss this epic birth. I must now endure the challenge and face him at Easter Dinner to explain why I missed his iconic wedding day. I must convince him and his wife a 40lb slimy spotted horse spewing out of a giraffes vagina on Facebook that never actually happened was more important than their wedding day. I’m not going to Easter. There is no explanation for this.
Remember back in the day? Friday nights. You got dressed. You went to the bar or club. You had a great time. The only giraffe you saw was some ugly girl you brought home with an elongated neck covered in poison ivy. For the ladies it was a guy with a severe case of rug burn and a neck brace signed by his football team!
April is a small potato in the grand scheme of things.
Today I went to a clients home to look at a job. I rang the bell and a 325lb black bear jumped on me and buried her snout in my nuts and what I could only explain to be a cross breed between a Bulldog and Hyena pranced down the hallway wearing a diamond plated Gucci diaper slowly approached and began to eat my shoelace. It was cute but I noticed her diaper less child was sprawled out amongst the cat litter teething on a bloody cow femur! I felt the clients priorities were not in the proper order. Who am I to judge.
The icing on the cake for me was when I went to Wendy’s for lunch. A women entered the establishment with a poodle named “Fee Fee” strapped in a baby stroller swaddled in a “Cujo” fur blanket sucking on a “Pigs Ear” lolly pop listening to “Who Let The Dogs Out” digital remake on its custom designed sub-woofer as her human child of nine months crawled on the floor behind the two of them dressed in tinfoil and a coat designed from attic insulation.
I began to question.
We love our pets. Animals. Whatever. I can see how many of us put them before humans. To be honest, I don’t disagree with it on most occasions.
I’m still watching this fucking giraffe!