Alcohol. Friend or Foe?

I enjoy my beer and drink. I always have since the ripe age of 15. Well not so much.

I remember going to a club at 15 and drinking pitchers of “Sex on The Beach.” The next day the only sex I had on a beach was in my cast iron rusted soaking tub French kissing my Kohler elongated toilet bowl as my upper lip was glued to my floor tile bonded by stomach bile.

Over the years I learned to adapt.

Today I am a husband and father of two. I still enjoy my drink but I try and do it with responsibility.

My issue today is my wife and kids.

Some families and situations frown upon drinking and understandably so. So many people abuse this great legal privilege. We as a family celebrate.

My family of first cousins, 2nd, 3rd, 4rth, inbreds and the honorary members can throw a celebration involving alcohol for just about anything. One of our children scores a 37 on their math quiz we throw a $300 per head bash at Ciprianis on a Saturday night. One of our kids sprains an ankle we call in the Beastie Boys for the live entertainment and order 4 Budweiser trucks and 17   cases of Pinot Grigio in celebration. God for bid a real reason to celebrate rolls around. This usually results in stomachs pumped at the local hospital, multiple DWI’s and child protective services confiscating 40% of our kids. My family is the best!

Alcohol has a reverse affect on me. One sip of beer and I turn into Mother Theresa! One shot of vodka and I’m looking to start a “Go Fund Me” page for wild turkeys. It’s insane and my family takes full advantage of this weakness and kindness of mine.

When I walk into my home with a 12 pack of beer my wife and kids start “Dancing on the Ceiling” like Lionel Ritchie at the Nicole Ritchie adoption process. It’s magical.

For me, drinking a beer after work takes the edge off of the stressful day. It also loosens me up so my wife can hit me up for the weekly “deli cold cut” money and my kids can get me to agree to reduce their cell phone confiscation sentence. They have me all figured out. I’m an easy target.

My issue is this. Sometimes my liver and kidneys begin to lip sing internally “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe. But I must ignore this warning and keep my family happy as I proceed to drink a case of beer and release more piss than a camel. I still to this day don’t understand the connection to camels and pissing. These fuckers are so dehydrated from carrying Arabs through the desert all day I just never understood the comparison.

I sat my family down and explained to them I am worth a lot more alive than dead so I can’t drink a case of beer every night. I mean I wish I could but….

They all respond in unison “yes you can.” I value their opinion so I do. Just kidding. It’s a case of beer every other night.

I find it amazing to see how alcohol affects different people. You have the “socially sober retarded” people who take their first sip of alcohol and morph into Oprah Winfrey. Then you see the 5ft nothing dude with a severe napoleon complex that slams a shot of Tequila and becomes “The Incredible Mini Hulk.” Let’s not forget the women who consume a glass of Chardonnay and turn into Beyoncé headlining at a strip club. Finally, and we have all been there, the people who drink a bottle of JD and hug the bowl for 3 hours as they rest their face on the cold ceramic tile floor the following morning to only swear off drinking forever and begin to pound Alabama Slammers that same day at happy hour and use their bras or tighty whiteys as hammocks before 8pm!

Alcohol is funny and affects us all in different ways. I thank god everyday for it. Prohibition must have been a bitch.

Drink up my fellow men and women. Just don’t be an idiot about it. Would love to hear some of your drinking experiences and what type of drinker you may be?