Our Kids! Our Marriages! What is happening to us?

I find it truly amazing how our lives change as we grow.

For most of us these transformations are a result of getting married and starting a family. It can be different for others depending on the path of life they have chosen. I don’t judge and I never compare. We never know what others are currently going through or have been through. Until you have walked in their shoes, keep your opinions to yourself.

The path I have traveled is clear and an interesting one to say the least.

As I sit here at the ripe age of 42, married with awesome 12 year old twin boys, I must recognize what my life has become up to this point in time. I also reminisce about what my life was.

Weathering the demands and stress of daily life can often make us all forget where we are actually going along with where we have been. Until now.

I experienced a defining moment today that opened my eyes to what has been taking place within my life.

I live my life young at heart. Always have, always will. I still look at my wife like she is in her 20’s and is just as beautiful as the day I met her. I still think this woman is fun and exciting.

But then this happened. I received two text messages today from my wife that made me realize we are no longer those cool fun people we use to be. The first text was as follows: “Please come home normal time because I’m going out with the girls”

I always enjoy when my wife hangs out with her friends and takes time for herself. She deserves it. Her friends are awesome and happen to all be my friends as well. I think. Some may think I’m an ass but that’s ok. I like to believe her little “girl gang” is a bad influence on her. This persuades my wife to come home to me and misbehave twice per year. Thanks ladies.

Today I rushed home from work and walked in the house and she was dressed in one of those hand knitted multi colored yarn cardigan sweaters. The “greatest hits of the Civil War” was playing on her telegraph. She had a set of Rosary Beads around her neck as she was baking an apple pie. There was a Mass card tucked in her herringbone pattern cardigan pocket and she somehow had plastic green dentures soaking in Ajax.

I said “what’s up, who died?” She replied “I’m going to play Bingo with the girls.” At that point I realized my hot, young, crazy, beautiful wife would now be planting Daffodils in our garden and making pot roast three times per week. I immediately grabbed the closest alcoholic beverage I could find and said “Bingo?” She said “yeah we are getting old.” I’d say so. You jumped 59 years since Saturday when you were swinging from our chandelier rocking out to Limp Bizkit.

I couldn’t help but rehash the days her and I use to slam Mai Tais at our local Chinese joint getting so drunk we fell off our bar stools and woke up covered in pork fried rice with round trip plane tickets in our pocket to Tokyo! What happened to the days of holding hands and French kissing??? Haha. Not. But seriously, I haven’t kissed my wife since the Priest said I could. Only time I would hold this woman’s hand today is if she was stuck in quick sand. She feels the same way. I grabbed her hand this past Christmas because I felt festive and she inserted a ginsu knife into my jugular and said if I ever do that again she would gut me like a fish. So yeah. We don’t hold hands much.

We are all growing old and things are changing. Just happening so fast. Enjoy what you all have now because tomorrow it may not be here.

Second text was: “Babe our son got invited to bounce with his friends. I’m uncomfortable with this. What are your thoughts on this?” My reply “he is 56, let him go already.” I mean he was invited to jump on a bunch of plastic jumpy castles for Christ sake. He’s not going to war. We finally agreed he could go enjoy his life a bit since the furthest my sons have been from our front door has been the mailbox.

My wife flew through Bingo and rushed home. She departed for this exciting event with a cooler full of 12 Michelob Ultras and returned with a 17 pack, a Singer sewing machine and two broccoli vegetable platters.

Ironically our 12 year old son was still out. My wife began to panic like Michael J Fox at a Janga tournament. Sweat began to leak through her cardigan and I had to calm her down. I gave her dentures a quick rinse and provided her with a fresh pair of teal green rose pedal embroidered granny panties and we finally had an intelligent conversation.

Make no mistake. Although I still act like I’m 21, I’m old as hell. I have random hair follicles sprouting out of my index finger. I can’t walk up my front steps without sucking on my rescue inhaler. I have the sex drive of a lazy susan. I wear checkered plaid boxer briefs with a button over my crotch and I make $17k per year. So yeah, put a fork in me. I’m done.

This eventually made her feel better about herself and eased her mind as our boy came home and things were back to normal.

I explained to my wife our boys are growing up. This is all normal. Except the fact you are wearing teal green rose pedal granny panties and playing bingo to try and win a pocket book at 42 years of age!!!!

Now get on that chandelier!!

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