Preparation for summertime can be very stressful. The arrival of summer waits for nobody no matter what type of human you are or situation you may currently be in.
Whether you are first time parents, teeny boppers, the people riding ten speeds dressed in spandex and fluffy leotards, guidos, guidettes, experienced family members or just that lonely 58 year old dude with frosted tips smothered by that extremely painful leftover December barn red tan and overgrown # two pencil eraser looking nipples as he strolls down the Jersey Shore coast all summer long tripping over deceased jelly fish and hermit crab shells, the struggle is real!
We all deal with the arrival of summer in our own way. It’s never easy unless you have been eating kale and spinach all year with a Fitbit attached to your butt crack. Even then there is no guarantee you will be ready for this iconic season.
For me personally it’s tough. My body shape and physical appearance is terrible. I can hide these flaws 10 months per year under sweaters and various corduroy pants until I go on my annual family summer vacation.
As I piss away $8000 to belly up to an unsanitary “swim up bar” nestled next to the equator on an island filled with smooth, muscular, white toothed Caribbean folk, I begin to question why I subject myself to this.
After the first day of playing volleyball in the pool with no suntan lotion trying to keep up with local folk, I crawl back to the room like “Sloth from Goonies” tangled up in an accidental Chinese firework warehouse explosion. “Hey you guys”
My wife, who is blessed with her Spanish heritage sits back with her Zsa Zsa Gábor golden tan and laughs at me as I lay bonded by Aloe Vera to the crusty white bed sheets in pain.
My only television option was to watch the actors from “Cool Runnings” preach to me about the importance of jerk chicken and prevention of AIDS. I continued to complain about the cost of plane tickets to get to the vacation destination.
My family always seems to enjoy the first 3 days of vacation without me as my wife searches for a “Caribbean sugar step daddy” to sweep her off her miserable feet and replace the husband who tends to sunburn at a local wedding prime rib carving station. Those heat lamps are hot and I’m sensitive.
Then I return. I take my first shower as my 3rd degree burnt skin clogs the shower drain and I walk out ready to enjoy my vacation. Finally.
First thing I encounter is my wife rocking the “Humpy Dance” with the “Caribbean Ricky Martin” at happy hour as I am slowly eaten by mutated sand fleas. Here I am coughing up money I don’t have to take my family away and she’s bumping and grinding with Bob Marley. Good times.
By day 5 of 7 of our magnificent getaway, I am finally back to 100%. I’m ready to finally enjoy the fruits of my labor. I grab my wife and rub my overcooked sun drenched hotdog fingers across her shoulder blade in the piss warm pool and she kicks me square in the nuts and says “Stop!! I’m sunburn!!”
What? I’m confused Gloria Estefan!
This is only the vacation part of summer. Grooming and manscaping myself is a whole other stressful phase of getting ready for fun in the sun. Most traditional barber shops won’t handle me so I must book a session to be groomed with the local pet groomer as I am placed on a metal table with a high powered vacuum next to a Great Dane and we are sheered like lambs. They put me in a cage as I piss myself and wait for summer to arrive.
Ok. I get it. I bust my ass all year long to be treated like a canine and spend an exuberant amount of money I don’t have for a family vacation full of epic sunburns, one night flings with Caribbean studs, sand flea infectious bites to the ankle, spiked volleyballs to the water logged nostrils and rejected sexual advances towards my wife.
$8000?…I should at least get to second base over the shirt! Don’t ya think?
Anyway. Can’t wait for the summertime. I’m so excited.
Tell me about your summertime preparation and experiences! Hope it’s as glorious as mine!