As Mothers Day approaches I seem to be reminded of all the celebrations during the months of May & June.
This does not include the 300 birthdays and communion celebrations I attend. Feels like every being on earth is born during these two months. Weird.
Let’s discuss these communion and Bar / Bat Mitzvah shenanigans.
Whether your child made his first confession and received the Body of Christ or is becoming a man / women within your faith, the celebrations are a bit overboard.
My Jewish friends always throw the best parties when it comes to the iconic religious child events. Dont get me wrong, they won’t pay $4.99 for a lox and bagel but when it comes to this milestone in their child’s life these individuals will sell the color coordinated Lexus’s, mortgage the property, sublet the country club membership, liquidate the yamocas (did I spell that right?) and throw their grandmother up on a folding chair as 4000 people clap uncontrollably. Party of a lifetime. You all have that celebration on lockdown.
We all love a good party but come on.
I recently attended a communion party hosted by my brother and his wife. I walked into a 35,000 square foot warehouse with neon strobe lights, female cage dancers, a disco ball, extremely dangerous jumpy bounce castles, Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bell Aire as the Master of Ceremonies, enough food to feed a third world country for a year, over stocked bar, my Tourette’s plagued brother yelling at his wife for not properly hosting the event and 699 kids bumping and grinding to Taylor Swift.
All this because the kid confessed to a Priest for his sins consisting of crapping in his pants and swallowing a stale vanilla wafer for the first time from the Shoprite cracker aisle?
I am struggling to find the celebratory connection.
There is absolutely no reason to celebrate in the fashion that we do. Don’t get me wrong, I will throw a party for just just about anything but the events that take place in these two months deserve a Sunday brunch and a gift certificate to Home Depot. At best.
Somehow May 4th has become “May the fourth be with you Day.” I’m pretty sure this day was created by some dude dressed like a Storm Trooper playing in a sand box at the local elementary school. The fans of this Holiday apparently believe it’s appropriate to show up to court in order to answer a traffic infraction dressed like Chewbacca. I understand it’s an iconic movie franchise. There is no need to have a special day where we enter Starbucks looking like C3PO ordering “almond bark” and a “tall caramel latte”. The employees are confused to begin with. Rolling in R2D2 asking for directions to the restrooms is not necessary.
Then there is Cinco De Mayo. In my book May 5th is the 5th day of May and my brothers birthday. The Tourette’s guy. How this Mexican tradition crossed our borders illegally and became a significant holiday is mind boggling to me. We all seem to acknowledge this legendary day which has the national significance of the death of a dear tick. Somehow we embrace the love for the Spanish culture or simply just use this opportunity to pound Corona with lime and Tequila at 9am like a 37 year old man of Mexican descent recently adopted by Donald Trump!
Mothers Day. Let us all be real. Moms have the hardest job in the world. Taking care of the children and the incompetent husbands that come along with it.
Every day should be Mothers Day. You ladies rock. Period. Speaking for all guys, we need you and thank you for being you! And if your guy or significant partner that thinks she’s a guy feels differently, get rid of them. You all deserve recognition.
Does anyone honestly think these mothers want a rotting flower, an overcrowded brunch or a card written by some stranger who is more romantic than your sorry ass? NO!
They want us husbands dead for ruining their lives and disfiguring the once nice asses they were equipped with, sinking their perky boobs and erasing any chance to marry Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch.
We got them right where we want them fellow man. I mean who wants uneven butt checks and dropping breasts?? Just kidding ladies. We love you just the way you are! Besides, no other women want us.
In comes Flag Day. Now this may not be a significant holiday to most of you but my family puts this holiday right up there with Christmas and Easter. It’s just an excuse for my relatives to order 35 trays of Bake Ziti and book Vanilla Ice to perform in one of our living rooms on a random Tuesday in order to celebrate a flag. It’s bad! Meanwhile nobody in my family has ever owned a flag in their lifetime. We are all only familiar with the legendary “Red Flag” and occasionally wave a “White Flag” when me must surrender!
Speaking of flags. Memorial Day. This is the one day we should passionately celebrate. Celebration of our very own freedom as a result of all the brave men and women who have sacrificed everything to ensure we can all continue our way of life. I salute and thank you all each and everyday. You are all better than me!
Last but not least is Fathers Day. This may be the worst Holiday ever created. I actually feel bad when this holiday rolls around. As soon as the morning of Fathers Day arrives I crawl under the bed with the extended family of dust mites and try to avoid all contact with the family members. I don’t know how to handle it. I feel so guilty. I don’t deserve a day.
My family walks in bearing gifts and shower me with overcooked scrambled eggs that I’m forced to eat in order to show appreciation. The regurgitating honey Jack in the back of my throat from the night before acts as syrup for the hockey puck pancakes I must swallow reluctantly.
Some of us are Dads. Some are Moms. There are flags. Some enjoy emphysema ridden Sci-Fi evil characters with black penis shaped helmets. Some drink tequila and consume burritos on that special day. (Then most likely end up like a hospitalized Richie Valens suffering from a bad airplane dinner.)
Whatever it is, I guess we must all celebrate in our own way. Most importantly is that we enjoy life to the fullest!
So party up.
Would love to know your favorite holiday in May & June and how everyone else celebrates.