Sorry guys. This topic relates to parties again. I couldn’t help myself as I will carry over the discussion from my previous post. Like I mentioned before, these upcoming months seem to be filled with party worthy events and squeezing it all in one post was just not possible. Im sure most of you don’t mind a “Party” themed discussion!
I have to admit. I have the best family anyone can ask for. Nobody in this bloodline ever seems to give a rats ass about anything and I think that’s just fantastic. We have even managed to accumulate “groupies.” These are honorary family members who show up at our houses uninvited on Christmas morning wearing a Santa hat and Rudolph adult onesies expecting stocking stuffers, candy canes and a pile of gifts under the tree.
I don’t entirely understand the infatuation with our family but I must be honest, it’s kind of flattering as I do everything in my power to remove myself from this scarred genetic family tree that has historically produced nothing but alcoholic Sasquatches, crooked teeth, IQ scores ranging from 28-63 & Cocoa Pebble addicted offspring. I’m just Joshing ya. Our IQ’s are below 20.
I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Trust me loyal disciple followers, the grass is not greener on this side. In fact, the grass doesn’t even grow in these parts! But our back hair does as it sprouts out of our collared golf shirts and wedding suits like the first cousin of “George the Animal Steele.”
I have made it very clear in my past posts that my family will just about celebrate anything for any reason. Give us four walls (we probably only need two) 17 bottles of whiskey and a radio. We will have naked Great Grandparents bumping and grinding to O.P.P. (Yeah you know me) on top of the poorly remodeled kitchen island granite counter top. That’s how we roll. Of course we would have to dig up our Great Grandparents and recreate “Weekend at Bernies” but make no mistake, it will happen.
A recent family gathering was the inspiration and spark I needed to extend the topic of partying.
My wife and I received an invitation in the mail. We opened it. It was from a family member who’s party resume includes sipping on a three ounce strawberry wine cooler on the rocks at prom. His legendary campfire story to pass on to his grandkids involves his blood alcohol content exceeding three times the legal limit as a result of consuming a dozen chicken wings dipped in honey glazed Jack Daniels sauce from Friday’s.
The invitation was unclear as to who or what this event was for. It simply read “Saturday May 13th 7PM….Be There”. So I thought hey, this has got to be interesting so I told my wife to respond “maybe” as I’m not very fond of wine coolers and chicken wings.
Arriving at one of my family events can be an adventurous one to say the least. Our family members have a tendency to change inner circles & friendships like the diaper of a 92 year old man with an expired colon. This tactic ensures a fresh atmosphere and keeps it exciting although I occasionally have concerns about the strange new family acquaintance who moonwalks into my parents closet scratch and sniffing my moms tulip embroidered nightgown she wore on her honeymoon.
The art of kissing 435 people hello upon arrival as pints of Bullet Whiskey is shoved down your windpipe is something you become accustomed to in time. Questions like “Are you busy?” And “How is everything?” always seem to be the icebreaker. As the night goes on the conversations slowly morph into “where is my underwear?” And “you are the biggest anal turd in this family and should be put to sleep immediately!”
My response is always “no I’m not busy” and “everything completely sucks.” Same discussion we had last week at your kids 2nd birthday party who is actually nine years of age but you could only afford two candles so we role played. Same discussion we will have the following week at cousin Joeys pre-school graduation party. Same discussion we all been having for the past 40+ years. Enough. Unless we are going to start doing the wop with an inbred cousin from Wisconsin with a piece of cheese on his head, I don’t want to engage in casual conversation. Let’s drink!
My family literally gets together for everything and anything. I kid you not.
Last week my cousins daughter tripped over a twig. Her life threatening injuries required bacitracin and a Batman bandaid so my family mustered up a social gathering including a live serenation by Michael Bolton, a Macy’s Day fireworks display and a personal cake from Buddy at “Cake Boss”
Turns out the suspicious invitation in the mailbox was for my cousins graduation from nursing school. What we were actually celebrating was her husband finally getting her ass to work and start contributing to the bills. Makes sense.
My cousins husband, the host, graced us with his interpretation of a Tony Robbins inspired speech that produced the electric energy of two fornicating snails on a traveling circus Ferris Wheel operated by a man with a “I love Jesus” tatoo across the bridge of his nose and a 14ft Boa Constrictor dangeling from his left nostril.
This man is so frugal he returns tin foil and bottle caps at the local metal scrap yard.
This lad is no fool. He knew this party was a good investment to motivate his wife to hustle and finally pay some bills. She appeared to shed a suspicious tear as this financially desperate husband dedicated a severe speech impaired poetic tribute that would have made Mike Tyson sound like a Harvard English professor.
Her reaction to this speech deserved and Oscar.
In all fairness my cousin gave up many weekend social events to prepare and study to help this poor guy buy groceries and pay the electric bill. He showed his appreciation and hosted a wonderful party that had my 72 year old father drinking pints of whiskey sours and smoking medical marijuana as he slurped Tequila belly button shots off the sweaty Latino bar back in an orange refried bean stained wife beater and wound up in the ICU unit sharing a hospital bed with a newly born illegal immigrant with a better healthcare policy.
Oh man I wish this was true! Although my father appears to be inviting the Grim Reaper over for tea and crumpets in the photo below it was only a routine knee surgery.
In conclusion, I’ve come to realize my family could have a good time at a wake as cousin Eddies embalmed body lays stiff as a board and we begin to form a Glee Club around the casket singing A Cappella Metallic tunes.
We must never take for granted our family and the ones who love us unconditionally.
My family is nuts!! Love it.
Does anyone else come from an uncontrollable crazy party family? Would love to hear some stories!