Top 10 tips for a successful marriage!

Surviving a marriage is a lot of work and a lifelong commitment. Or at least it should be. It requires dedication and understanding. When I say survive I do mean happily of course. If you are a polygamist you must put fourth a bit more effort.

I have been married to my wife almost 13 years. I am dumbfounded she is still with me as I try not to ask too many questions and count my lucky stars. I just go with the daily flow. I pray each day I wake up and my manhood is not wedged between a toasted hotdog bun. Another fear is my extensive wardrobe consisting of two pairs of jeans and a Yankee hat resting on the front curb of our home for bulk pick-up.

I feel my marriage has been a success up to this point. Others reading this who personally know me will spit up their coffee as a result of that statement. My blog. I can say what I want!

Any relationship is a work in progress and we should take nothing for granted. We’ve had our challenges like everyone else trying to figure it all out. We have been blessed with beautiful twin boys who always seem to keep our lives interesting as they push our parenting skills and patience to the max. It’s a constant work in progress.

I have come up with a “Top 10”  list of what I believe to be the recipe for a successful marriage. **This list is intended for educational purposes only**

Here we go.

#10. Food. You must share this common interest. I’m not talking about kale stuffed tofu burgers and ginger root pita chips. I’m talking hearty steaks, butter infused mash potatoes and everything in between. Eating unhealthy together is a true bonding experience. When my wife becomes hungry I have a 10 minute window to shove a plate of “Nachos Grande” down her throat or we are heading to divorce court. When significant others mention they are starving please don’t yell out you have a “sausage” for them. This applies to men and women. This will result in castration and it’s not cute. I learned this the hard way.

#9. Understand your role within the home and life as you now know it.  Before marriage and children, we all felt like #1. Then it changed. You forked over your life savings for an engagement ring, a luxurious wedding with 225 invites we all desperately wanted to flush down a toilet. We reproduced unappreciative children with oversized heads that walk around the house like “Johnny #5 from Short Circuit.” We bought overpriced houses. We purchased poor quality wedding videos that will make us vomit 29 years later as we are now 299 pounds heavier, bald and realise we are currently last in the pecking order. Wow that was a lot. I might just regurgitate. Point is we actually go backwards in life after marriage but we sacrifice for the family. Remember your wedding night? It was honestly the last time we all truly got laid. You know what I mean. The last real fun and exciting lay. My wife walked into the room on our wedding night like that chick from the Whitesnake video. Since then she’s been walking in like a grey haired 87 year old blind bingo champion dressed in a hand knitted “little house on the prairie” quilt. If you honestly think your spouse has the energy after wiping dirty ass all day, spinning 18 loads of laundry, work a full time job in most cases, cook, clean, battle bill collectors and try and join a gym to get their unobtainable perky boobs and round ass back, you are an idiot. Wait your turn in line. You are now an after thought. Be patient. Know your role. *Hint: I find Tuesday evenings around 8:29pm to be the best time to possibly have your mate respond to a cheesy sexual advance. This is only a suggestion. I am not responsible if you attempt this and wind up with a frying pan to the temple. Good luck.

#8. Just say yes. No matter what. Don’t try and debate. Accept and move on. The more we try and prove our point and disagree the longer our significant other prances around the house like “Matilda on maternity leave” and locks up the “garden of eden” like they are guarding the US Constitution. Yes, yes and more yes.

#7. Take vacations. Even if you’re broke. It’s important. We all need a break from our crazy, stressful lives. There is no better way to do this than jumping on a plane and swimming up to a bar tended by a short Mexican man who can’t see over the blender and speaks 9 languages except English. Order a drink and forget about life for a while. Don’t get to comfortable. Reality sets back in 7 days later. Enjoy it to the fullest.

#6. I said this in an earlier post. Fire. Just burn stuff. Fire appears to be a natural soothing device for stressed out partners. My wife came home one day so mad and upset and I didn’t know how to respond so I lit our futon on fire and she gave me the biggest hug and said “Thank You. I needed that.” I made her day and felt great about it. Next day I lit a pumpkin scented candle and she threw the hot wax on my lip and said it was dangerous to light a fire in the house. Time your pyro techniques wisely. It’s tricky and not always a given solution. Please don’t burn children or animals. This tends to elevate their anger level occasionally.

#5. Get a pet. Whatever. Dog, cat, fish, hermit crab or an overweight hamster that runs 1600 miles a night on a metal wheel that sounds like an approaching train in desperate need of a tetanus shot. I mean come on now. With all the technology today, they still haven’t figured out a way to keep these animals quiet? We can travel to Mars but silencing a colorful genetically engineered sewer rat is above our intelligence? And why are these hamsters overweight in the first place with a life expectancy of 3 days? All they do is eat veggies and jog. These fat rat bastards get stuck in a red plastic tube and unexpectedly croak and we as parents must explain to our children at 6am before home room why the eyes of these rodents are popped out like a toy from “The Island of Misfits.” My point is pets distract us. They manage to take the focus away from some of our daily marital problems and stress. It’s a decoy. Don’t pick a hamster. When my kids hamsters passed away it cost me $3000.00 for funeral arrangements and I had to write a poetic tribute. This was hard for me naturally. I had to rent a tuxedo for this tragedy and currently have a dedicated portrait hanging above my fireplace of a deceased hamster smoking a cigar and doing coke like he’s Al Pacino in  Scareface.

#4. Fart. This is a big one. I have been with my wife for 22 years. This gassy ass woman didn’t fart for 20 of those years. One day I sensed a struggle building within her already “Resting Bitch Face” appearance so I just said “let it out babe.” I knew it was time for me to embrace human nature
as she was in gastric pain. She accepted the invitation and released a string of farts that made my ears pop, eyeballs dry up like raisins and I contracted a lethal form of tonsillitis. I put my gas mask on. Gave her a hug and said WTF was that?? She giggled and hasn’t stopped dropping bombs ever since. She appears much happier these days. Me not so much but I accept the things I can not change.

#3. Sex. So important. With our busy lives its hard to find that spark in the bedroom. There is hope. Guys we do a lot of research on Google. Next time you are on Pornhub or Redtube, pay attention. Study. When you finally get the opportunity to get with your wife do exactly what that accomplished actor did in the video. It may be difficult. You might run out of breath and require a rescue inhaler. You may pull a muscle in your calf. You simply could die but give it your best shot. Keep it interesting, fresh and if you honestly feel like you’re gonna expire, proceed. End it with a bang!

#2. Tell them you love them. Don’t forget anniversaries, birthdays, first time you released gas as a family unit, etc. The important stuff. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in life that we forget how we got to this point. A simple “I Love You” or a nice gesture like flowers can be a reminder that we still care and appreciate our partners. I don’t recommend sexting on these joyous events. First, most of us can’t spell the scenarios we are trying to portray and second, our spouses have so much lint in their eyelids from doing laundry they can’t even read it. Stop sending the eggplant emoji as a penis. It’s weird.

#1. For me this is the key to success in any relationship. Without this ingredient you are doomed. If you lack this get out of your relationship now. Move on. Don’t waste your time. TRUST. This takes time to build but is a must for any companionship to work. I believe my wife and I have so much trust for each other it is ultimately what bonds us. When my wife goes out with friends and drinks a half bottle of O’douls as she performs cartwheels down the local mall escalator, I’m ok with that. I never believe for a minute those cartwheels will result in her shacking up with some horny mall rat sitting on a bench eating a Wetzel Pretzel. Trust, trust and more trust. Can’t stress that enough!

This is my list. I’m sure it may be different for others. Let me know if there is something you think is an important key factor of a lasting relationship.

9 Replies to “Top 10 tips for a successful marriage!”

  1. What about combo of #4 and #6? Too much? Just thought I’d put it out there. See I’ve been married for almost 20 years, so I thought that maybe….

    But all in all, seriously GREAT TIPS. Gotta say I did not see those coming. So glad I signed up for your blog! Keep this up…Puh-Leeze!!!

  2. Wow well there were a few on there that I didn’t see coming! But I totes agree with you that marriage takes work. Hubby and I have been together 12 years and you have to put the effort in or it just won’t work.

    Also, congratulations because someone loved this post so much, they added it to the #blogcrush linky! Feel free to collect your “featured blog” badge #blogcrush

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