Ok. Let’s talk about the current fashion statements of men today. Long sigh… as I throw up in my mouth! Twice!
Are men losing their masculinity? Is this latest craze a cry for help? What the hell is happening here? Is it even real? I’m just confused.
When I discuss these “apparent” new styles of men, I must honestly admit I have never actually seen a male specimen dressed in any of this speculated disgusting fashion apparel in public as of yet. Except one. This hideous and repulsive style has only been advertised and portrayed throughout social media. As far as I know. In all honesty, if I did happen to witness this publicly, I would most likely sever the knee cap and shoulder blade of any brave male willing to strut through the local Mall in any of these creative outfits specifically designed for a 3 year old female child, female prostitute or a 37 year old transgender with 19 split personalities hosting “The Gong Show”.
But I am not one to judge. Never. Not me. I never do that. It’s not in my nature. Except when it comes to this topic of course. I am going to be the most judgmental, racist, bully fueled, unaccepting, unfair, politically incorrect, Simon Cowell Esq, non supportive son of a bitch human being possible in order to analyze this current men’s fashion movement. As Biggie Smalls once said, hopefully “It was all a dream.” Or a fucking nightmare in this case.
I actually don’t believe these current men fashion “fads” are real but recent “photo evidence” has flooded my newsfeed and I have had numerous requests to speak on this and you never have to ask me twice. Let’s begin.
#1. The Romper:
Ok. First things first. What person on Earth has ever worn this besides 2 year old girls on Easter Sunday? Even gay men are like “what the fuck is this crap bitch?” Besides the Debbie Gibson and Tiffany era that lasted a minute the answer is nobody. So why the hell would a full grown man with hairy elbows and man tits start to embrace this attire? Unless you were born without a torso and attempted to enter “It’s a Small World” in a “Romper” at Disney World I believe you will only contribute to our already delusional and screwed up world. Put your khakis and Puma sweatpants on and call it a day. Rompers are strictly for conjugal visits involving male prisoners imprisoned for two life sentences who mate with that one lonely friend we all have on Facebook who’s daily social activity involves sucking on a dirty water hot dog and floods out our news feed with Bi-Polar Bear images and pictures of malnourished dandelions. Don’t ever, ever wear this guys. Ever. I repeat. Ever. Just to be very clear. If my dad, male cousins, male friends, gay friends or any other person with a set of nuts ever showed up in my presence in a romper I will personally insert you into a wood chipper and use you for chicken feed.
#2. See through laced shorts:
This image above make my toe nails curl as my lint infested belly button swells up like a grapefruit. Why, I repeat, why would any of us men want anybody to see our hairy ass nuts while we shop for groceries and pump our gas? In all honesty, if I see a fellow male within 3 miles of me in this attire I will stuff you down the nearest manhole I can find. This fashion statement reminds me of my grandmothers table cloth. If I ever thought of putting her dining room table covering around my crotch she would hack me up like a cannoli. I do not believe this style exists! Impossible. Just stop. No. Please.
The man stockings:
I know our male legs are gross but I refuse to wear leggings and I hope my fellow mates feel the same way. We are hairy, unattractive beings but dressing in lightning bolt silk cotton stockings just makes us that much more fucking disgusting. All kidding aside. If I walked into my bedroom wearing a pigeon Inspired romper, mushroom themed leggings, see through pink laced shorts and attempted to lure my wife into any sexual situation my head would be instantly detached from my body as my pink laced shorts would be stuffed down my detached throat as my kids would gather around to sing “Kumbaya My Lord”. Period. Unacceptable. I will believe this tragic fashion epic fail when I see it. Again. No. Please.
#4. The Man Bun.
Last but not least. This is the only current male fashion disgrace that I have personally witnessed. It’s terrible but is reality. I’m naturally jealous because if I had enough hair I would wear this man bun as much as I could. But I can’t so I will degrade and critique those men that do. Honestly, you are not a Cinnabon. Let your hair flow like others before you. No need to wrap it up like Cindy Crawford on her period. If you choose to grow the locks out let it go. This advice comes from a guy with three hair follicles and a broken down flowbee!
I can’t help but think what the generations before us would think. What would our hairy ancestors do as they hunted Wooly Mammoths in their pin stripped rompers, teal green pantyhose and man buns? Could you imagine hopping on a Saber Tooth Tiger in a leotard? Yeah me neither.
Now that would be a great reality show.
Get your masculinity back guys. This is embarrassing. Cut the shit. What’s next? Rose petals in our ears and tampons in our butts????
I don’t want to ever have this conversation again.