How to survive a block party hosted by a Britney Spears imposter and a woman who reads tarot cards and aligns the galaxy on a random Tuesday and knows exactly the last time you picked your nose as their crazy ass neighbors gather around them in support like they are rooting for Jenny Craig at a Twinkie eating contest.
It’s not everyday you have the honor of being invited to a block party. But this event is something I like to call a small festive miracle. It takes a major group effort that comes around every 15,000 years or so.
Not sure about everybody else but the block I grew up on involved crazy neighbors plowing over youngsters riding hot wheels, alcoholic Indian fathers beating the piss out of their Umichis (Indian Mother in Laws) with a dirty slipper as my brother and I shot poison tipped pellet darts at poor Umichi trying to retreat into our property line dividing maple bush. We had Germans across the street launching scud missles at neighborhood students at the local bus stop. We had chicken and roosters eliminated execution gang style because they simply “cock-a-cock-a-doodled” a minute before their schedule time. Shit was harsh on my block.
The simple thought of my neighbors getting together once a year on the block setting up tents, breaking bread and drinking Sangria while we consumed burnt hot dogs around a plastic table as some strange DJ played “We Are The World” was just not a possibility. Not in these parts.
I must give credit where credit is due. You “block people” are special. Great job.
This “party” block is ran by two ring leaders “Gina” my sister, and Lauren “The Mind Reader”. These two fucking wackos party when a lightning bug passes away. A dandelion sprouted up one day and these two humps sent out 400 invites and booked the “Gin Blossoms” to perform and celebrate the event. It’s spectacular to see. Mesmerizing really.
What is more impressive is every other neighbor on the block falls between the ages of 35-55, own kids that drive them insane as they drink wine from a garden hose. It’s true community bond like nothing I have ever seen and I think it’s wonderful.
Until you are officially invited into their community for a block party of course.
Here are some helpful tips to remember if you ever happen to be invited to one of these functions:
-Don’t go. I’ll keep it simple. Just say you have plans. You’re busy. You lost a leg. You have gout. You were beheaded. Anything to get you out of this. But if you must attend please follow these rules below.
-Clear your schedule the next day. Even breathing. Make sure you disconnect the water line to the fridge and directly hook it up to your mouth and place 13 rolls of 6 ply toilet paper beside the bed and set The Pandora station to “REO Speed Wagons greatest hits.” Trust me it helps with regurgitation. Nothing more soothing than
blowing chunks to “Keep On Loving You.” Its inspirational.
-Do not trust the “mind reading” shot girl walking around with those colorful Jell-O shots. They are colorful and cute but after swallowing three of them you will most likely be a guest on “Judge Judy” and will be shitting rainbows for a week. Then the “psychic” shot girl will proceed to whisper in your ear you have the beginning stages of Polio and informs you your wife has recently slept with 3 out of four individuals sitting at your table. Not true for me Haha (I hope) but I’m sure it stands true for a few within surrounding tables.
-Don’t purchase the 50/50 drawing tickets. This shit is rigged. I bought an arms lengths that after I measured was the size of pinky toe. The deceased grandma always seems to win the main prize. It’s amazing.
-If you have to take a dump make sure you know someone that can get you VIP courtesy bathroom use. Last thing you want to do is squat down on some shiny blue vinyl melted toilet seat with 3500 gallons of taco laced guacamole infused swamp water beneath you with no place to possibly go on a 97 degree Global warmed June sunny day.
-Enter and understand if you have children and bring them to this event anything goes. We all have rules at home as far food and sugar consumption is concerned. That is now irrelevant. The children in attendance have been known to sink their teeth into raw femur Buffalo bones, nibble on dirty chicken feet, shove macaroni salad in their slides and use ketchup as toothpaste. I caught one of my twin boys trying to eat the Candyland game board as the other child was trying to mash up Mr Potato head and twice bake him in an easy-bake oven. I am being subtle when I discuss the children and food experiences. It is actually much worse but I fear all the parents residing on this block will lose custody of their youngsters.
Honestly this is not true. I know each and all of the parents on this epic block and it is an amazing collaboration of young,
vibrant, loving, responsible, alcoholic parents! Hahaha. Just kidding.
Not all kids act like the offspring of “The Walking Dead.” We were blessed to watch my friend and his five year old boy join the local rock band NASH as they jammed out to “Keep on Rocking in the Free World” as every other child within a three mile radius stared in awe at this kid like he discovered fire because the device in his hand was not connected to Wifi. It was an amazing sight. This was the highlight of the night for me. I wish more kids did this. Loved it!
You are all great. I am
jealous of your unique block living life style as all I do toss grenades at my neighbors on Christmas morning.
Can’t wait for next year!!!