I’ve recently done some research in order to determine the leading cause of divorce within the United States.
It has been an unfortunate reality for so many of my friends. It’s truly sad. I wish I could say the same for my family but for some strange reason nobody in my family has ever been divorced. Yet.
Married couples within my family tree have done things to each other even the Grim Reaper won’t get involved in. That tall cloak looking bastard who holds a stick with long arthritis skinny fingers knows better to mind his own fucking business and not get involved in my family members marital disputes. There’s a time and place. For now, brush your teeth Reaper & go show Scrooge & Tiny Tim what they have missed out on during the Christmas holiday.
When and if one of my dear family members take the plunge into the world of marriage separation, trust me, I will be the first to update you all and write about it and that’s probably why they stick together. Sit tight. It’s bound to happen.
My initial first guess was Facebook or infidelity to be the guilty culprit leading up to divorce. I was wrong. It happens to be lack of communication. Don’t quote me on that. I googled it.
Then it hit me. Makes total sense.
This has inspired me to talk about what I believe is another major contributing factor which involves minimal communication between married couples calling it quits after taking an oath and hosting a very expensive party where they both so solemnly agreed for better or for worse.
Home renovation projects. These epic battles between husband and wife has entertained me for years.
I know of this first hand as I have been in the home improvement business for 20 years. The shit I have seen my married clients argue about would absolutely amaze you.
We all start with a plan as all newly married couples starting a life together do. We date. Get engaged. Plan a luxurious dream wedding. Buy a home. Start a family.
But you never think about renovating the piece of junk home you purchased that was previously owned by three Rastafarian dudes who haven’t showered since their Baptism.
You decide to buy the home as you both over extend yourselves like some hillbilly purchasing swampland gator infested real estate on QVC from Ponch at 3am on a Tuesday.
There is a pre-determined system once you finally buy a home together. The husband is the Banker and the wife is the Coordinator / Designer. Simple. Or at least that’s how it should be unless your husband wears a romper and a man bun as he sings Gloria Gaynor tunes in the hot tub. I’m not saying we as husbands shouldn’t have an opinion. Give it a go. Hopefully your wife will consider it and you will discuss options like adults. Unlikely. My point is shut the hell up and deal with her disgusting decision of zebra wallpaper in the foyer. That is if you want to stay married of course.
It gets interesting when the roles become reversed and the wife threatens to get a job waiting tables to fund the $100,000 kitchen remodel as the color blind husband who doesn’t have the time to be constipated attempts to pick teal green cabinetry and pink granite counter tops.
Here are a few tips from a fellow contractor. Take them as you may.
1. A bathroom renovation does not cost $4995. Even if that Spanish contractor in your local newspaper says it does. It doesn’t. If you are looking for 87 Spanish men blowing up your toilet system for two weeks straight then these are the contractors for you.
2. Have an idea of what you want done before your contractor arrives for the first consultation. We can help you with ideas but it’s nice if we have some guidelines of what you actually want. There’s nothing worse when the first thing clients ask us “so what do you think?” “What should we do?” We have no idea. We all have wives at home asking us the same shit on projects we started at our own homes and have not completed. Have your shit in order and we can help you from there.
3. Please don’t ask if “bigger is better.” It’s uncomfortable as your husbands patiently await our answer. You know the answer to that question.
4. Your contractor is not your therapist. We build shit. We are not there to figure out why little Johnny is taking dumps on your couch or why your dog licks your husbands inner thy more than he licks yours. You need to figure that out. Just give us a set of plans. Let us build.
5. When we call you for a follow up after meeting with you and acting as your therapist and spend hours with you, just be honest. Simply say you and your husband are fighting over this and contemplating divorce and getting another estimate to solidify your separation.
6. Please have all your finances in order. We don’t want to hear you have to transfer money from another account. You knew we were starting the job a month ago and pay is in CASH!!!!!!!!
There’s so much more but I won’t get into it.
Don’t stress it guys. You are married. You have a home. Enjoy. Embrace. Make it your own.
There are plenty of other reasons to get divorced. Kitchen cabinets should not be one of them.