When that horrific perfect image turns inspirational

So there is this image my wife sends me last night and insisted I write about it. I tried to explain  I just can’t look at a picture and create a blog about it. Then it hit me, I think just maybe I can.

Honestly, if I have to look at this photo another minute I’m gonna run my eyeballs through a cheese grater so I’m gonna keep this sweet, short and simple.

First and foremost, is this a man or woman? Second, are the corneas, retinas & pupils of this individual functioning properly? Does this pleasantly plump 6ft gender bending chia pet not happen to look in the mirror before making a conscious decision to go out in public? How? How is it possible this thing left the protective cover and safety of a home and actually walked around in a public area where other humans with camera phones at every turn lurk. I honestly don’t need to insert any words to describe what is going on here. But I will of course.

If I had to take an educated guess of who the creators of this Wooly Mammoth just may be and how it went down, I would say Brad Pitt in “Legends of the Fall” had three way unprotected anal sex with George the Animal Steele & Larry the Cable Guy in the back of a convertible purple Yugo nestled in a White Castle parking lot. As a result, this was born. Just a guess. I could be wrong. Rosie O’Donnell could have played a role in this somehow. Who knows. Anything is possible here.

I have so many questions. Here are just a few that are on the top of my mind.

-What are you actually shopping for? I really need to know. And don’t say razors & tee-shirts because I will assassinate myself on live television.

-Do you go and get a haircut like that? If so, is there ever a discussion between you and the barber about what’s transpiring here? Has your hair stylist ever intervened and offered constructive criticism to maybe help with this situation? Like suggestions? If so, how did you handle it? Clearly you believe walking around a supermarket at 8am on a Sunday morning looking like Fabio wearing a dirty brown shag throw rug is hot, so no need to answer this one. I get it.

-What happens to your back when you are driving a vehicle in the dead of summer with sweltering hot black leather seats? By the looks of things I’ll assume your means of transportation does not currently have working air conditioning.

-You are a complete mess from head to toe but somehow manage to maintain a pretty nice ass all things considered. What’s your secret?

-Why couldn’t you purchase overalls just a few sizes larger to cover that shifting earthquake fault line running across your backside? Just a thought. Do you believe looking like a hairy snowman dressed like Halloweens Michael Meyers on Spring Break at Daytona Beach is the next fashion trend?

-Considering you are one chromosome away from a Yeti,
why do you lack hair behind your neck? Was that a childhood accident? What gives? My OCD friends were just curious.

-Listen. This is your style. You own it. I applaud your confidence but do you honestly think you are bringing sexy back by leaving those little flaps dangling from the sides of your overalls as they are lodged up against your 18 wheeler hairy spare tire? Or you just can’t button them?

-If you were to join a dating site, how would you describe your physical appearance? And be honest. If you get stuck with this I would be glad to assist with helping you create a profile. Free of charge.

-Lastly, do you do children’s parties? My boys are turning twelve this year and my wife and I always throw them a backyard swimming party. If you are available, I would love to hire you as an entertainer. All you would be required to do is walk around the event dressed exactly like this photo, take some selfies with guests, stuff like that. I’ll take care of the rest.

I told my wife to please not send me photos like this anymore. I have enough shit in my head.

4 Replies to “When that horrific perfect image turns inspirational”

  1. I fear I may have dated this creature in the 90’s. To be fair I blame all the Zima and Dexatrim I was abusing.

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