Had a fight with the wife. Actually had a few discrepancies. She was mad I didn’t take her to the Lionel Richie concert tonight at MSG that she just heard about 6 hours ago. Like I have a Lionel Richie concert tracker App installed on my phone. As if I wake up everyday wondering where Lionel Richie will be serenading us next. WTF! Last I remember, Lionel was molesting some blind chic on MTV.
Below is the last three lovers quarrels I have participated in. On a positive note, if this is what couples always fought about, we would all be ok.
# 1 Lionel Richie Fight:
A) I thought Lionel Richie was dead.
B) I’m not gonna try and scalp last minute “Lionel Richie” tickets. God for bid I didn’t succeed. I would be damaged for life.
C) What would I wear to a Lionel Richie concert? I donated all my “turtle necks” years ago. How do I react as an audience member when “Dancing on the Ceiling” comes on? Suicide would be my first option. What does one do? Hopefully that song would never be performed and I could simply just bump and grind my wife to “Easy like Sunday morning”. Who the hell knows!
D) Are the Commodores gonna be there? If so I will consider this.
E) “Hello” A classic. Only song I would actually want to hear.
F) Asked my wife to look up another Lionel Richie concert coming to town in the near future. She replied “Really, he will never play again”
G) Duh! My point exactly!
My wife sat pouting on a chair all night as I asked “Alexa” to play all the greatest hits of Mr Richie.
#2 Where’s my Pizza?
I slaved in the kitchen all day yesterday to make everybody’s favorite dish, eggplant parmesan. My wife went to work today. I figured she would bring a slab of eggplant to satisfy her hunger. We went to a friends house. I ordered some Dominos pizza for the children. My boys and their friends wolfed down every slice like Hannibal Lecter at a liver transplant convention. It was truly a sight to see.
My wife walks in demanding a slice of Dominos pizza as if she’s “Vlad the Impaler.” She drilled me for a fucking hour about how I didn’t have the respect, honor and audacity to save her a slice. “It’s $5.99 you hump!!! I’ll order you a fucking pie if you want!” I defensively mumbled under my scared shitless breath. She said “forget it asshole.” I said “Ok.” So that was that. Pizza would have gave her the shits anyway.
#3 I’m tired! Let’s go!
This woman could fall asleep at a coffee bean factory. She passed out at our wedding during the Venetian hour. I was trying to drink another beer and buy some time as my wife was drooling on our friends cashmere couch. She made it clear. She was ready to go. So I played a Lionel Ritchie song to close out the night and shoved a pacifier in her mouth and carried her out to the car. When she gets tired, watch out. That “resting bitch face syndrome” turns into the “Walking Dead” version of “Bert and Ernie.” Its bad. I complied.
We all have our fights. Most of the time in our relationships, it’s petty shit. Lionel Richie and Dominos??? Hahaha. When she starts breaking my balls about lack of performance in the sack and paying the bills, then I’ll start to sweat a bit. Until then, I will keep on “Dancing on the Ceiling.”
Until the next quarrel!