Solar Eclipse! Glad that shit’s over!

Ok. The Solar Eclipse has come and went. Thank God this shit only happens every 99 years or so.

If I was able to find a positive in all of this, it was the simple fact this event took our attention away from all the other surrounding bullshit in world today. It was a break from reality I presume.

In all fairness, if I listened or read about one more intelligent human being (allegedly) ask about eye damage caused by gazing at the sun for 30 seconds, I was going to weed wack my ear drums and dip my eyeballs in Mercury. What????? I’d rather discuss Nazis & Confederate statue removal than have to explain to our human race the sun is not your friend. You can’t stare at it like a hairy naked fat woman eating a chocolate covered slinky cruising down the rusty escalator at the local mall. Focus people.

Yes it was interesting. Yes we should pay attention. Yes we should cherish this opportunity to view such beauty. No we should never be allowed to reproduce again. After what I witnessed today, our race is about as intelligent as a pack of expired fun dip. Come on people.

Another concern I have is this. How will all of our necks feel in the morning? Let’s face it, we never really look up. Unless we are at a fireworks display, riding a camel or simply giving Andre the Giant a hum dinger,  our heads are mostly in a level position throughout the day. A lot of stiff necks tomorrow would be my educated guess.

People scrambled to protect their corneas. Things got so desperate we emptied our boxes of 3 year old Corn Flakes to create a safe viewing device. Many looked up and did some kind of yoga shit with their fingers to create a little window between their crusty ass knuckles and bitten dirty fingernails. Grandmothers walked around with welding helmets and Camel cigarettes dangling from their mouth to catch a glimpse. I personally believe the asshole dressed like an alien on CNN that banged out of worked for this 20 second event should be thrown into the sun, but that is none of my business. The overall scene was truly amazing.

In the end it was a disappointment. At least for us in New York. We New Yorkers expected total darkness for an hour. Fireballs to shoot from the sky. Tornados. The first day of the school year to be delayed a month. We wanted chaos. All we got was a weather cloud, three old ladies smoking Virginia Slims and a community filled of Stevie Wonder wannabes. Terrible.

The Eclipse brought us all closer for a minute. We put our differences aside for a day. We came together as a nation. We were determined to figure out where to get “Solar Glasses” and just how long we could stare directly at the sun before our eyelids caught fire. It was a true bonding experience amongst mankind.

Until the next Eclipse!!!!!