The Bronx Zoo. An iconic landmark. A place to see all the animals of the world subjected to the air pollution of New York City. A place where the wildlife has the opportunity to enjoy the refreshing & thirst quenching water of the East River.
I would like to take this moment to rename this staple in our community “The Bronx Narcolepsy Zoo!” I swear to Christ every animal was sound asleep from the infamous lions to the house rat. Even the notorious gazelle who hops 87 mph was passed out on a fake plastic scenery rock. I wasn’t sure how to react. My children asked if the animals have all died and I responded “I think so.”
Don’t get me wrong, I love animals. I love nature. I have no problem paying my way for this once in a lifetime experience. But when the tigers are suffering from emphysema and the alligators have a severe case of gout, I’m a bit concerned.
The problem is this. The most exciting moment of the whole day was watching a rabid ordinary chipmunk jump on my boys leg as we all tried to determined if he was Alvin, Theodore or Simon. Believe it or not, these little rodents started singing Frankie Valli tunes for loose change! People started to clap as I started to vomit. I mean come on. There’s a 300 pound lion snoring 100 yards away from us. A spotted hyena was coma toast and all we cared about was a singing wild chipmunk. God for bid a duck passed by. The only wildlife awake during this excursion was the non captive bastards we see everyday. Squirrels and birds were plentiful and awake. Elephants and Zebras were passed out like NYC crackheads on New Years Eve. Even the Zoo parking attendant was sound asleep.
The only moment I felt any life in the establishment was when we entered the Land of Gorillas. Let me tell you something. This shit was life altering. These silver back bastards are a 1/2 of chromosome away from being human and if anybody thinks God created us, go spend 4 minutes in a captive Gorilla enclosure at the zoo. Somehow, someway, we humans received that one extra intelligent link. That is the difference maker. Watching these animals interact within their environment along with their mannerisms was a true sight to see. I was so intrigued. Baffled. Confused. Mind boggled. And then it happened. A true sign of human behavior. A similarity that had me second guessing who was the more intelligent species.
A mother Silverback ape. Sitting propped up carelessly against a rock as her four children played irresponsibly and she didn’t give a shit. A minute into the encounter the mama ape pounded her belly and regurgitated in her mouth. She then ate her throw up proudly. Scratched her breast. Licked her palm of all nipple juice. Picked her nose. Ate it. Moved on. Yes it’s disgusting but don’t tell me none of you mothers out there have never done that? Yeah I know. I’m sure it was done privately but this poor ape lives in the Bronx Zoo! Can’t hide that shit. She was open and honest and didn’t give a fuck! I respected that. Except when she stuck her finger in her asshole and licked it. I didn’t respect that. At all. That was disgusting.
Most animals at the Zoo accepted their fate. The lions said “fuck it.” Let our balls hang out in NY and get fed hunks of beef from Arthur Ave? Sign me up. The sea lions swam gracefully through the pool with no threats of great white sharks. In all fairness they risk death by pollution but they will take that chance. It was those Mongolian horses that had a bone to pick with their captive environment. They are basically extinct but these last 7 unlucky beautiful creatures got stuck in the Bronx. All they want to do is smoke Chinese cigarettes, play Pai Gow and take a Tai Kwon Doe class. But no. They run around the Bronx like A Chinese Sea Biscuit.
We closed the day out on a nice peaceful ride on the Monorail. Well
not so peaceful. The road rage on the rides line was aggressive. The fella Vinny behind us began to scream “move up the line you stupid motherf:;()$:(“…Let’s go. My family was nervous but I told them to relax. I will eventually make a fool out of him.
Then there was the Monorail conductor. The pilot. The captain. The leader. I’ll tell you this. You only get this job if you are selected by Earth. You are a chosen one. You need to lose your hair by the age of four and know everything about everything there is to know about cow dung. They are nice people until you break a rule and stand up. Then they yell at you like Mommy Dearest at a wire hanger convention. It’s bad.
Obey the rules.