Upgraded Cell Phones & Dead Head Brother-In-Law

Please don’t ever purchase a new cell phone without the consent and approval from your wife and children. WTF???

My personal connection & understanding of technology along with all it has to offer is equivalent to a cell phone provider in Chernobyl. I don’t get it. I don’t care. Just give me service. Period.

I was one of the last homosapiens standing with a flip phone. I had that text messaging down to a science. I have moved on. The only other human I know who still has a flip phone is my brother-in-law Paulie O. This mans sole purpose in life is to make sure his thermostat is set at 72 degrees. He doesn’t care if his family is blown away in a tragic hot air balloon accident. This mushroom head will take the “red eye” home from Antigua to make sure the bathroom night light is turned off. He’s a good man & provider. I’m happy my sister chose this man.

I’ve never actually seen one of those “dead heads” up close and personal until my sister started dating him. It’s a true experience. Very intriguing.

When I first met him we gathered next to the Christmas Tree and he gave me a stuffed mushroom as a peace offering. The fire crackled behind us. It was nice. All of the sudden this tree hugger and I were doing that stupid dance those dead heads perform. I immediately was engulfed in body odor as we both swayed simultaneously on my mothers granite counter top like we just discovered fire. It was epic and I loved him ever since.

Then he started to eat a slice of banana pie. That was another adventure. This creature began to levitate as his stretched out black socks sang Hallelujah! Keep in mind this was our first Christmas Eve together. My mother dropped the calamari on the floor and had no idea why my sisters boyfriend was eating the Christmas tree ornaments. We embraced him. We love him. He is one of us. Honestly, a great dude. Love you O!

Getting back to why I’m actually writing this. Cell phones. Hahahaha. Not sure how this turned the way it did but I fucking love it. Beauty of writing.

Make a long story longer, my phone finally shit the bed. I was desperate. I needed a new phone. Yes I understand the “IPhone 8” is out and available. I’m coming from a “5”. It’s a big jump for me. The “8” was intimidating. So I settled in for the “IPhone 7 Plus”. In other words a 62” flat screen television. What the hell is this device? I like it. It’s great for writing and taking pictures. Phones calls? Challenging.

I come home with my new phone and my kids start complaining, become upset and even shed a tear of disappointment. They want the phone. I said be patient my sons. Christmas is right around the corner and Uncle Paul will be chomping on tinsel and sipping tree water before you know it. My wife jumps into the debate like “Clubber Lang” on crystal meth and tells the children to shut their mouths and be lucky they even have phones. Naturally this turned me on so I tried to play seven minutes in the foyer. She smacked me with her blue M&M slipper directly across my nostril.

She made it clear to the children that Mommy and Daddy are not rich. We as parents work hard for the lifestyle we provide for them. They should be grateful for what they have. Honestly, it was a turning point in our relationship. It became apparent. I married a strong, independent woman who happens to occasionally have gas but that’s ok. We hugged. I gave her some Pepto Bismol and we went on our way.

Then it happened. This once compassionate, understanding mother & wife turned on me like Micheal Jackson at a Kindergarten graduation.

She glanced over at me with her “Resting Bitch Face” face and politely asked, “So when am I getting a new phone you stupid fuck? Who the fuck do you think you are getting an IPhone 7? You can’t even read! If you honestly think you will have the most updated phone in this family you better cut your nuts off and sell them as liverwurst you dumb prick you.”

So yeah. I love her.

Tomorrow I’ll be buying (3) new phones.

Whatever! If it makes them happy! All that matters.

3 Replies to “Upgraded Cell Phones & Dead Head Brother-In-Law”

  1. Any,

    Don’t lie. We all know you didn’t write this. You’re not that intelligent.
    Just kidding bud. I enjoy reading your stupid shit.

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