Throughout our daily life there are particular individuals or situations that seem to over exaggerate and drive some of us to the brink of insanity.
Sometimes these occurrences happen in real life. It may be a televised commercial that triggers our emotional response. Perhaps, at times, we simply just wait for our name to be called as we sit in a waiting area of the Dr’s office.
Heres a small list of life’s exaggerated moments that maybe some of you can identify with. These examples always seem to either shock, surprise or simply scare the dog piss out of me.
1. The “Yogurt Sample” employee. You walk into a FROYO establishment with your family and this enthusiastic yogurt salesman dressed in a green tee shirt designed by “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” tries to push samples of their newest product on you like a Harlem crack dealer. Sorry, I’m not interested in trying the new flavor of the month properly named “Harlem’s Heavenly Harvest Hickory Hash.” I’ll pass.. These employees always seem to take their sample deliverance seriously.
2. That Italian pizza parlor owner that makes you want to be a hit man for the mob. All you want to do is order two slices and a coke and be on your way. His accent is so powerful and convincing. I don’t care if you were born in Iceland, you have no choice but to answer this greasy ass wap when he asks if you want grated cheese on your slice in a mafia voice you picked up from that Italian guy from YouTube who became famous because he went for “milk, bread & eggs”. It’s stressful.
3. The cart guy at Home Depot. This entrepreneur takes his position very serious. God for bid you leave that rusted ass orange contraption in the parking lot without returning it to its proper location that doesn’t even exist. It’s like this dedicated worker just waits, hovering behind the fleet of rusted other orange carts in the parking lot waiting for you to fuck up. The other day we drove off after my peaceful purchase and in my rear view mirror I saw a Home Depot employee who resembled “Chucky.” You know that killer doll. He chased after me because I left a shopping cart in the wrong spot. I was tempted to throw my truck in reverse and smash this prick but he was just doing his job. His dedication was applauded. What would have happened if he actually caught me? Would I have gone to blows with a mentally challenged Home Depot Chucky doll over a misplaced shopping cart? Should have slowed up.
4. Being called in from a Dr’s waiting area. If I was there to see a doctor for hearing loss this would make total sense. No. I’m here to get a physical. Why when it’s my turn to go must the nurse yell my name like I just won the lottery. Anthony? Anthony? Mr. Termine? Mr.? Mr Termine? Ant? Antny? Tony? Is there an Anthony here? Yeah I’m right here Marge. I just signed in 34 seconds ago.
5. Do you have anything smaller? Yeah. I just went to the bank and got change you stupid ass but don’t want to give it to you. Can’t stand when cashiers ask this question like I want to walk around with a pocket full of nickels and dollar bills. Noooooo. This is all . Make it work. God for bid you need to actually add & subtract you lazy fuck.
6. Stuck behind a Hasidic customer. Doesn’t matter what store you are in. Never fails. As their 29 children climb the pile of 2 x 4’s and swing from the stores ceiling rafters they will dispute any and all transactions. I don’t care what they purchase. I’ve been stuck behind a Hasidic man arguing that his lumber wasn’t Kosher. It was a true experience. If you find yourself pulling up behind an individual of this faith either throw your shit aside and walk away or clear your schedule for the day.
7. Ponch from Chips trying to sell me non-buildable swamp land property in the Everglades, Florida at 4:23am for $1700.00. Yeah ok Ponch. If Eric Estrada has any influence on any of you to invest your hard earned money in real estate it’s time to remove yourself from this Earth. Immediately.
8. Christmas tree salesman. Don’t give a shit what tree you are looking to purchase. This frozen employee with a chainsaw will smile and say it’s a “great tree” for you. The tree could have anal warts and caught fire but this guy will convince you this is the tree for you. You will smile at your wife, high five your kids & throw that shit on the roof of your car & tip this shady bastard $10. You will get home and put the tree up and realize the tree has Scoliosis & Aids. You make the best of it as you feed it a dose of old “Wives tales” aspirin & sprite. Never works.
9. The Chinese CD salesman. I know this practice no longer exists in our society today but I must pay tribute to this fine art of customer relations and the impact it has had on many of us. There was no better feeling than gathering around an unstable table with a man pulling up on a scooter with a backpack full of CDs. We attacked this individual. He threw out his CD collection. We all were so dumb to actually ask this English genius if these were good quality. He would shake his head yes and that’s all we needed. We were satisfied. I’d go home with my new purchase and get comfy with my girlfriend and make some popcorn. The much anticipated video would begin and all we would see was 36 people walking across the screen with Mohawks & mullets buying goobers and gummy bears. It was classic filmmaking. Just another dumb decision by me. The fact I trusted a Chinese man smoking a cigarette wearing foggy goggles and tinfoil on his head to sell me cinematic bliss confirms I’m a dumbass. Many of you fell for it as well!!! 😜
10. Extreme sport parental units. What are you doing? Honestly. Your child is 8. Why are you putting the referee in a choke hold because your son Kyle missed a free throw? Stop body slamming the mother of the opposing pitcher because Bradley struck out. I don’t get it. Your kid sucks. Just like you did. Get over it. Your kid will most likely never be a professional athlete. He will become a professional ass knot like yourself if you keep acting like this. This is why we don’t watch my kids games. If we happen to see an overweight “horse shoe hair” father with a “father of the year” tee shirt yelling at our kid because he made a “mistake”, My wife and myself would simply stuff him in the toilet and most likely wind up in prison. It’s a game. Be competitive. I’m all for it. You had your chance dickhead. Let your child compete, grow and develop. You’re an embarrassment to humanity. You know who you are. Bury yourself!