Celebrating the “Holy Sacraments”. It’s good to be Holy.

Celebrating the Holy Sacrament of Confirmation in our world today compared to our celebratory platforms back in the day when I reached this milestone within my religious education is a major leap in our Christian Faith & beliefs. I honestly can’t believe the overwhelming commitment and dedication in our current lives the Christian youths have sacrificed in order to preserve Jesus, Confession & the Act of Contrition. These gestures have made me believe again. The future of humanity & our very own existence has resurrected. Haha. That’s funny. Even I chuckled at that.

Times have changed a bit I think. When I refer to “Back in the day” I can only discuss my spiritual “Confirmation” experiences I had the pleasure to be a part of. We have no choice but to compare the events I have participated in against the events that took place today at my nephews “Holy Day.”

I’ll explain to you all as simple as I can on just how we honored my personal Confirmation Sacrament “Back in the day.” It may me difficult to follow at times so I’ll do my best to guide you through the overwhelming exciting adventure. Hang on!!!!

I woke up. They tossed a red robe on me like I was Hugh Hefner at grade school graduation. I walked down an aisle hand in hand with a drunk Uncle as my sponsor. We ate a religious, dried out, stale vanilla wafer purchased from the “Dollar General” as the Fathers cigarette stained cuticle rubbed up against our wisdom teeth. We genuflected, pulled a hamstring and we left. I was ”Confirmed.”

My parents threw a party consisting of burnt hot dogs, crinkle cut ShopRite brand potato chips, a three liter pineapple soda bottle saturated in 789 grams of sugar per serving as three and a half family members gathered to witness the event. Our only entertainment was a rabid German Shepard named “Bo” who ran around in circles for 7 years inside a cage laced with dog shit and “dear ticks.” After we ate, they let Bo out for the first time ever to chase down the children as the canine ate our ankles and playfully injected rabbis into all in attendance. It was fun. It was a life altering connection to God and our faith. It represented exactly what our God expected from us. My mother proceeded to put out desert which consisted of a tray of nuts you couldn’t crack with a sledge hammer and three pieces rotten cantaloupe. That was it. Happy Confirmation now get the fuck out.

Today the times have changed. I mean God is still God and our Catholic ramifications are generally the same but the party atmosphere has slightly taken on a new form.

Today my cousins Tara & Joe hosted the Confirmation party of their son Joey. It was cute. Really. First and foremost they asked my brother Jeffery & his wife if they could host the event at their house. Keep in mind my brother gets nervous & starts twitching like an electric eel when his box of “Frosted Flakes” gets low. They agreed and the party was on. I couldn’t wait to get there. This was a dream come true for me. 😜

I attempted to enter the party. I was stopped and frisked at the door by a 367 pound bouncer named Freddy Amanotuchi. He had a tattoo of “Mike the Situation” on his neck along with teal green “Sarducci Boots.” At that point I should have left but I was now interested in how much more Catholic knowledge I could obtain as we all know security with these “precious markings” were a major part of our religious background. Imagine if Jesus had bouncers? Hmmmmm. As I walked in and got comfortable I was surrounded by super models passing out bake clams & pot stickers because that’s exactly what happened at the “Last Supper.” The reincarnation was so surreal as my cousin Joey D was lying dormant on the kitchen floor from exhaustion I felt the urge to strap a cross to his back and make him get up and walk a few miles. This poor guy demolished three bathrooms, cooked 187 trays of Ziti, scanned 19 sets of scrotums & drank 2 bottles of bourbon in a day and a half. His wife Tara grinned and said it’s not enough. “Get up you lazy fuck” She mumbled under her breath. We have a party to host.” This poor guys eyebrows were burnt to a crisp & I felt he needed medical attention ASAP.

I have to be honest, the connection to religion was never stronger. Tara & Joe have restored my faith.



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