Here are (10) more daily occurrences that seem to aggravate the shit out of me. I’m pretty sure there was a previous Blog post complaining about life’s annoying moments. I have a feeling there will be a few more in the future.
10. The fact I simply must wake up only to be exposed to these travesties day in and day out is quite agitating. It has become a routine. Adjustments have been made. It’s beyond my control. I’ve patiently learned to deal. Having an outlet within this Blog has allowed me to express discomfort regarding disappointing acts of life. It has gently soothed a bit of my bitterness. Thanks for listening.
9. It’s not fair to subject my eardrums to that nasally old lady at 7:30am who has a physical presence that appears she has taken a bubble bath in a 30,000 watt microwave for 6 1/2 minutes as she orders her morning coffee trying to multi-task & hold a conversation with her sister Harriet dressed in a dirty nightgown with embroidered images of tadpoles & catfish who resides in Kissimmee, Fla. Shut up please. Your raspy cigarette voice is not a morning blast of fresh air. (No pun intended). Hang up with Harriet and get your shit together. On a side note, please invest in some throat lozenges. (Can you believe there is no “R”) in “Lozenges?” I know. Checked and googled the correct spelling like 18 times. That’s another annoying fact of life. Our language and pronunciation of some words. “Phone?” Come on now. It should be “fone!!! Sorry. Can anybody spell sikiatrist? That’s a hard one. Whenever I’m in need of some therapy (which is often) it’s almost impossible to find a reputable source on Google search. Usually the results end up being “The greatest hits” from Korean musical sensation “Psy.” This fucker was so bad he was offered a multi million dollar record deal along with a billion views on YouTube. If 10% of our worlds population is interested in what a Chinese man with “Bells Palsy” has to sing & dance about we need to activate our own nuclear device now & and just end it. My apologies to all the hard working, talented musicians out there that had to watch this. Must have been hard. He must have been doing something right. When this extremely talented artist got up and sang on a New Years Eve special event my wife jumped off the couch after a suffering from a severe bout of strep throat. She promptly ordered Chinese food & began to mimic his signature dance move that made her look like a 5 foot rotten string bean on crystal meth. She waved her arms in excitement. I proceeded to vomit on my Christmas themed sweat pants. She looked like “Vanilla Ice” at a karate tournament. She tried her luck with the “Karate Kid” crane kick. She slipped and cracked her head on the night table. I proceed to throw her the fuck out of my home. At this point I felt she was a danger to our family. Kids were nervous.
8. Running into that same woman above at the local gas station trying to pump gas. She yells across the lot “Excuse me!!! Excuse me?? How does this work sir??? It’s not working sir. Do you work here? Can you help me sir?” My response. “Lady you are a 100. How the fuck do you not know how to pump gas? There is a sale on “Cherry Luden” cough drops inside if you are interested. Ask Harriet” Just kidding. Annoying or not, we help everybody.
7. Heading to work and getting stuck at a red light behind an illegal immigrant driving a souped up “Maroon Eclipse” with white windshield wiper blades as his audio entertainment “kicker” serenades the entire county with a Tito Puente remix. He has the balls to actually smile at me. He attempts to lure me into a drag race. I’m driving a severely rusted Ford 250 Econoline Van with a top speed of 30 MPH. My brakes haven’t worked in months, windshields are cracked and my truck hasn’t been inspected in a year. Really? I accepted the challenge of course. My own wife doesn’t smile at me and this guy drives around the neighborhood as his front headlight violently scrapes against the pavement looking for a race. He has a 17 foot wind spoiler fastened with duct tape to the back of the vehicle as if he’s prepared to launch from Teterboro. He has a bumper sticker portraying his grandmother slamming a shot of tequila and his sunroof has been leaking for years. He’s begging to be deported.
6. School Buses. Is every child now picked up at their front door? WTF? The parents having a conversation with the bus drivers when their children are dropped off as you sit and wait makes it much worse. What are they possibly talking about? How many potholes you avoided on your journey? Drop the kid off and move it. We got shit to do.
5. Landscaping. Honestly, we are infested with these companies. Stop cutting grass at 6am. And the names of these companies have to go. “Gary’s Gorgeous Grass”. “Jose’s Custom Lawns” “Eric’s Even Edge”. “John’s Jolly Cuts”. “Mike’s miraculous maintenance”. Enough. You guys move around a few dead leaves and three blades of grass. Cut the shit. There’s nothing miraculous about your company. Cut the lawn and get the fuck off my street. And get some new equipment. Listening to your struggling employee trying to start the gas flooded leaf blower for an hour is extremely irritating you cheap fuck.
4. Having to use the restroom so bad you stop at a gas station. The door is always locked. You wait patiently with your legs crossed as you shove a “ring ding” up your ass to help avoid anal leakage. Door finally opens and the gas station attendant walks out with a grin like he just shit out “A lollipop kid” from “The Wizard of Oz.” You walk in. You have to make a decision. Dare to sit down following a gentleman who looked like he danced around in horse shit for a month or just crap in your pants. Yeah this happens daily to me. The struggle is real. Tough one! And why is there a “safety” key for ice? A bag of ice is a $2.00. Why do I have to go through customs and a credit check to buy ice? Is there people who actually run around and steal ice? For what? I don’t get it. Ice has a life expectancy of an hour once it leaves the store. Weird. Didn’t know ice was a hot commodity.
3. Flag men. I’m sorry. There is nothing worse than being told when you are able to stop or go by a gentleman with a “Superman” tattoo, a yellow “half shirt” safety vest with a “NY Jets emblem” & 27 chest hairs swaying uncontrollably in the current wind conditions as a bead of sweat dangles from his nostril. Never fails. He eventually gives you those bedroom sexy eyes when you pass as the asphalt soot from the days work just drips slowly off his chin. This always turns me on😜. Sexy shit. Then there’s the “Flag Women.” Don’t lie. As a man we always thinks it’s sexy and try to figure out which sweaty worker flexing his underdeveloped bicep is wooing her. This is how I pass the time waiting to be waved on.
2. Public Fitness Figures. Why must you feel the need to come on my block armed with dumbbells, running shoes, a bandana & a gallon of water as you run up and down my street like you’re trying out for the 2020 olympics? You are 78. Your skin is literally falling off the skeletal structure you are composed of. Dogs, cats & stink bugs are chasing you. Can’t you do that shit on your own block bro? Why must you stretch in front of my mailbox and pretend like you are physically fit? Much respect to the fact you are attempting to stay in shape. Quick question. Are you equipped with life alert? I’m deeply concerned.
1. Tomorrow is another day. Wake up and do it all over again. It never ends.