Summer has come to an end. The cool crisp air is upon us. It’s time to reflect. Reflect on the memories of summer.
First thing that comes to my mind is the epic sunburns some have endured. Some worse than others.
I have compiled a list of the top (10) worst sunburns I have had the privilege to lay my eyes upon. Some have been freshly burned. Some a distant memory but not forgotten.
The inspiration for this post was somewhat odd. I took my wife out tonight. Against her will, we absorbed the unbelievable musical talent of a local band called N.A.S.H. These guys play hard and lay it all on the line each and every time they take a stage. Somehow listening to them tonight and talking to a lifelong friend and bar owner Patti O, sunburns became the topic. That’s how it happens!
Here we go!
#10 Lisa Lionelli, West Nyack, NY
At first glance, Lisa’s overall appearance seems to consist more of a bronze glow. Make no mistake, one pass by this radiation plagued being and your eyebrows will disappear. Some experts believe Ms. Lionelli may be a mutated product of the Hiroshima tragedy. Further tests are being conducted. Lisa was not available for comment.
#9 Cast of the Jersey Shore, NJ
These bastards roasted in the sun for multiple summers. Somebody had to burn at some point. Let’s all be glad they are no longer with us.
#8 Donald Trump, POTUS
Not really sure what is going on here. Did he jumped in a hot tub of orange crayola crayon mix? Did he perhaps soak his head in an orange slush puppie? Did he finally have sex with Melania? Don’t think the sun could cause the discoloration. Hmmmm!
#7 Anthony Termine, New City, NY
On my honeymoon I decided to hop into the pool shirtless. It happened to be positioned adjacent to the equator with 27 Carribean men dancing around beating drums and eating jerk chicken. They were tall, dark and handsome. I was as white as a loaf of wonder bread. We played pool volleyball for 13 hours straight. It was so much fun. I threw down 19 shots of 151 rum with my teammates throughout the day. Eventually I had to remove myself from the festivities as my liver fell out and the locals began to use it as a hacky sack. I dried off. Went back to my room. I layed down as my skin began to bubble up like a Paula Deen Thanksgiving day turkey. Cost me $8000 in aloe vera lotion and by the end of the week I looked like an overcooked slice of Ellios pizza. Good times.
#6 Kevin Coughlan, Rockland County, NY
Obviously he does not appear to be sunburn. He simply made the list as we all must use our imagination on this one. What would actually happen if this man was exposed to the sun? He’s so white Benjamin Moore has a custom color named after him. Urban legend has it this notorious white figure contracted sunburn from a red traffic light.
#5 Joey Kennedy, Clarkstown, NY
The inventor of the roasted red pepper. Mr Kennedy was believed to have consumed three rotten Carolina Reapers and suffered through a long, painful constipation ordeal. He eventually excreted what we now refer to as “crushed red pepper”. Ironically, this sun drenched individual tends to burn more intensely during the winter months. Scientists are optimistic and believe one day, with the help of a skin graph and reverse osmosis, Mr Kennedy’s DNA could potentially prevent forest fires.
#4 Random dude I googled, Location Unknown
How this dude is smiling is beyond me. I decided to Google “Bad Sunburn People” and he was the first image that popped up so he makes #4. He is burn worthy! If I could break him down, bottle him up and dispurse him as a fuchsia based moisturizer I would be rich.
#3 John Candy, Summer Rental
One of the best comedic actors of his time. An idol of mine. This was one of my personal favorites. I love this image as he is without question burnt to a crisp. This very disturbing image is what I fear will happen to me each time I take a beach trip with my family. I refuse to build “sand castles” with my boys. I’m a marked man.
#2 Me again. Dumbass, Mexico
One would think I would learn my lesson. I’m not that smart. My wife warned me I’m not of Mexican decent. She insisted I put sunblock on. I pleaded my case and eased her mind. “I’m fine babe” rolled off my flaking lips as my tongue was dried out like a pepperoni stick. I honestly believed the Mexican volleyball players weren’t as dark as the Carribean athletes so I could survive and withstand the wrath of the fireball in the Mexico sky. Hahahahaha. It became apparent. I’m not a good candidate for pool volleyball. Again, I found myself lying dormant on a hotel bed as I battled the continuous “house keeping” broken English pounding knocks on my door. I was fried. I couldn’t move. My family continued to enjoyed their vacation as my wife was getting sandwiched by two Mexican drug lords to the likes of Despacito in the hotel lobby as my kids cheered her on like she was a finalist on “Dancing with the Mexican stars” Tragic.
#1 Thomas Schunke, New City, NY.
The man with the “Legendary” burn of the sun. Just to be clear, Tom is on the left. This epic burn consists of many factors which has landed him number one on our countdown. The judges found this photo quite fascinating. It starts with the two little devilish horns beginning to sprout from the base of his forehead just above his eyebrows. Next, the greasy shiny areas on Tom’s facial area makes us believe the critical burn exceeds third degree. The slight disfigured alignment of his eyeballs lead many to believe he suffered minor vision impairment as a result of dangerous sun exposure. Last, Mr Schunkes right hand placement was a major concern. Study has shown he was attempting to grab the women’s boob but extreme sun poisoning impaired his hand & eye coordination. According to one eye witness, she believed she was looking at a “delirious 6ft strawberry pop tart”.
We are happy to report Mr Schunke is home safely at his bar pounding shots of Jameson like an “Irishman at a wake” making a full recovery!