Wow. I remember back in the day when we took a family vacation it was always a personal experience you would never forget. We, as a family growing up always tried to make the best of the unrealistic situations. We smiled. Pretended to love our siblings for 168 hours. We improvised. When my Dad said “Look at the colorful lighting bugs outside our dirty car window kids” we jumped up as a family unit and clapped our hands in appreciation as if Celine Dion just busted out “Her heart will go on” as that poor peasant boy Jack drowned on the Titanic trying to save that “Rich Bitch Rose”.
I don’t think so. Nobody does that. If I’m ever stranded in the middle of the ocean straddled together on a floatation device as sharks lurk, I would never comfort my lady and let her live. It’s about survival at that point. I will feed her ass to the Orcas, Sea Lions, Jelly Fish, Octopus, Plankton or any other creature that will devour her. “Don’t let go Anthony!” Yeah. Goodbye Mi Amore! This poor guy on the Titanic was freezing his nuts off and this bitch has the balls to say “Don’t let go Jack”. I’ll see your ass at the bottom of the sea. Rose!
Vacations are not natural. Do you honestly think that the Cro-Magnon man said to his family of hairy beings after they hunted and destroyed the Saber Tooth tiger that a “vacation to the Bahamas was in order?” How about after bringing down a 3000Lb Wooly Mammoth that crushed their cousin during the process allowed them the right as a family to kiss dolphins and caress friendly horse shoe crabs as they pound Mojitos until their loin cloth fell off?
The answer is no. Their vacation was to the nearby lake to wash themselves of Mammoth guts.
We adjusted over time. We adapted. Vacations have become a way of life for us. It’s a nice break from the daily chaos and stress we all endure. I enjoy them.
As I was recently on vacation in Mexico I must speak about the events that have transpired. These are my honest and truthful encounters. Some of these may lead to my divorce and castration. I’ll take my chances in order to enlighten you all.
I tried to enjoy this temporary escape and keep an open mind. As a result of unforeseen circumstances I found myself engulfed in a whirlwind of mishaps that are to good not to be shared. So here we are.
Below is a few of my recent experiences along with some advice. Hopefully you will all take these into consideration as you book your future getaways.
-Amish family in Cancun, Mexico. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this. They deserve a vacation like the rest of us. The issue is this. They don’t leave their property. The only place I have ever, and I mean ever, seen an Amish family is in Pennsylvania driving around in go karts with square wheels. So how the hell does this rebellious Amish squad wind up in Mexico dressed like they are prepared to bake a cake and plant zucchini seeds? It was 107 degrees with a heat index of 237% and this Amish mother was breast feeding her child under a quilt! It was weird. (I have nothing against breast feeding. Let me be clear on this) I have a problem with a quilt in Mexico. That is all. I believe they got on the wrong horse and buggy! There is something that does not register in my brain when I try and picture an Amish woman doing a keg stand in a Mexican Resort at 9am on a Tuesday morning as “Julio the pool entertainer” slams shots of tequila off her boob.
-Mexican Karaoke show. This one blew the snot out of me. You must prepare yourself for this. These people will jump up on stage like Whitney Houston at a crack convention and perform the most complicated American songs to ever be recorded. Each performer will give you fair warning their English is not that great before they begin. This becomes very obvious after the first note but they are passionate and that’s all that matters in my opinion. Man it is funny to watch!
-Vacation salesman trying to sell me a timeshare package. I get it. It’s a business. Be smart about it. If I’m going to dedicate a half of a day of my precious vacation time to listen to some Ricky Martin inspired scam artist you better be prepared to at least provide me with some Goya and Tacos. Also, don’t present me with a 50k package then when I decline accept 47 pesos as a last resort. Get lost!
These salesman are aggressive and their fake Rolex watch is not impressive.
-Sunburn while playing pool volleyball. I am from New York. We are only exposed to the hot sun for a few months out of the year. We finally arrive at the Resort or a Caribbean Island and we get excited. We jump in the beautiful pool. We sometimes forget sun tan lotion. We mingle with the locals. We burn our skin. We don’t realize this until we go back to the room and our nose falls off. Our earlobes curl up like rotten tomatoes. Our shoulder blades turn a shade of fuchsia. Our lips become so chapped we look as if we sucked face with a cheese grater. From here on out, I will be vacationing wrapped in tin foil.
-Respect the wildlife. We all love animals. When on vacation we sometimes encounter species we are not familiar with. Some appear cute and fluffy so we throw pieces of bread at them. We want to pet and hold them. Then they turn on us out of natural instinct. They will bite your big toe off in 3 seconds. They are wild. Enjoy from a distance. I must acknowledge the bird that took a crap on my wife’s arm as she sat poolside sipping her mudslide. The bird had impressive aim. This made the whole trip worthwhile.
-Understanding and dealing with foreign currency. I have not personally experienced money exchange with any other country except Mexico. This is challenging enough. It took me a while to grasp the fact a bag of potato chips cost $374.00 dollars. That’s pesos (Mexican currency) which still translates to $22.00 US dollars for an item you can purchase 3 for $5.00 at Costco. Hey, it’s vacation. Nothing is real. I must say, I got a kick out of getting a role of quarters wrapped up in scotch tape. Our dollar goes so far in that country the waitress took her clothes off and gave me a lap dance because I tipped her $2.00 for a hot dog she brought to me. Next year I’m giving her a ten spot. Can’t wait to see what that gets me!
-Spending your vacation in the gym. Listen up Hans and Frans. If you are going to spend 80% of your vacation time “pumping you up” why the hell are you paying $5000.00 to do it? I see people on vacation getting up at the crack of dawn running 17 miles down the beach. They have 6 protein shakes followed by 200 pull-ups on the Tiki Bar. They proceed to stretch for an hour in front of the main pool area as their tan assholes leak out of their speedos. They continuously lather themselves with Fellipe Berillo olive oil like they are preparing Sunday dinner and consume shots of ice water. What the fuck you doing on vacation bro? Go home. You look ridiculous.
-Running out of cantonelli pasta. Let’s get one thing straight Mexico. If you have the balls to present this elusive pasta on your menu, don’t tell me “Sorry Mr., we have no more” when it’s a Tuesday night and there are 19 people in the restaurant and 10 of them are employees. I just dropped an extreme amount of money to stay at your Resort and you ran out of a pasta you couldn’t even spell correctly on your menu? Get your shit together. Stick to what you are good at. Nachos!
-Food and bathroom habits. Let’s face it. We are on vacation. Unless you’re that workout nut eating soy and grass, you want to splurge for the week. Eat unhealthy foods and experience the different cultures. My family firmly believes this is what a vacation is all about. Until our second night that is. We will just about eat anything at anytime. We never consider the consequences. We eat. We shit. We move on. A Mexican impulsive shit is a bit different. My son found out the hard way. We just finished dinner. We jumped on a golf cart on our way to the next destination. My boy felt a rumble in his tummy. He said “I have to poo.” We replied hold it in, we will be there in a minute.” His response “I can’t!” Next thing you knew we had eight fingers and a bag of cashews plugging up his asshole. We placed a portable fan to his face for oxygen and sang a soothing lullaby to help distract him from the urge to crap. All this as the driver of the cart laughed uncontrollably and belted out “Tacos, chimichanga, nachos, Tequila…hahahaha.” I replied “He’s twelve.” Get me some toilet paper ASAP and no tip for you.
No matter where we vacation it should be a time to enjoy, cherish and make memories. Life is too short. Enjoy it while we are here!