Life has its challenges each and everyday. When you have a family these challenges tend to escalate.
Raising children & balancing a marriage is emotional . It’s an unpredictable roller coaster ride. We all try and do our best as parents. Family situations are never the same. I make it a point to never judge the parental guidance & marital conditions of others. I don’t know what is going on internally within other families. It’s not my business. I will discuss what I know. My own family experiences.
Raising children keeps us parents constantly on our toes. We are forced to make decisions. Again, these results will vary from family to family. I can only speak from what I know, but I have a feeling many can relate.
I would like to discuss the “deciding moments” we as parents must choose in life involving our children. When is the right time to act, make a move, discipline or simply just walk away?
Here are some situations my wife and I have had the pleasure to endure. As first time parental figures, we handled them to the best of our ability. We had no experience. No teachers. There was no instructions. We figured it out and managed. We dealt with it in a way we felt was appropriate. I believe these events exist within all families in one way or another.
1. At what point do you decide to get your child their first haircut? Listen. I know my boys are handsome. Their was a point when they were just a few months old. They resembled the Godsons of Pablo Escobar. They had a greasy wave of hair that crossed over their eyelids and rubbed uncomfortably against the corner of their lip as the puréed peach baby food just collected along their split ends. My wife danced around the kitchen listening to ABBA as she snapped photos of these children and continuously asked “How cute are our babies?” I just couldn’t make the connection. I had an uncontrollable urge to take a steak knife to the quafs of these children that honestly made me believe their father was that dude from “Coming to America”. That “Soul Glow” character Darryl. Thankfully she gave in and finally got the boys haircuts. She threw the crisco oil hair trimmings in a plastic sandwich bag. We made a memory I guess.
2. What should we buy the children for their first Christmas? All these newborns did for the first 6 months of life is shit, throw up, cry & prevent us from fornicating. So I thought some appropriate gifts from the “Jolly Fat Man” would be baby wipes, a toilet bowl, a pacifier & a baby sitter! She inserted a candy cane into my belly button and said “I’m serious.” Haha. “Me too. “ I replied. So I asked “What do you think we should get for the little ones?” She replied “I was thinking like front row tickets to Barney on Ice, meet & greet with Dora & Diego, a diamond engraved Run-DMC onesie, an autographed diaper by Sheniqua from the Backyardigans and perhaps a trip to Disney World? They would really enjoy that!”. My response was simple. “What?? They still have that black rotten caterpillar belly button leach attached to them and you want to travel to Epcot?? Barney?? Can we possibly go see some other performer besides a 367 pound sexually confused purple dinosaur with a speech impediment?”
3. When do we as parents stop wiping our childrens ass? I wiped my kids assholes once and that’s because my wife was so high on morphine she actually cracked a smile for a half of second. The nurse put me on the spot in front of all the other new dads wearing their “#1 Daddy Tee Shirts” as I’m dressed in yellow sweatpants and a “Sunday Gravy” stained wife beater. This whole experience made me feel like I was part of a “child asswiping intervention” The surrounding proud fathers started to clap and shit in support as I threw the dirty diapers at them as I gravitated to the nearest watering hole. I don’t wipe ass cracks. Sorry. This was a tough habit to crack for my wife. She is a clean freak and just couldn’t let a dirty ass go. At times it was uncomfortable and disturbing for me. My children and my wife had a secret code. My boys would scream at the top of their lungs from the bath quarters “I’m done.” My wife would rise up from an “Intoxicating Poland Spring” hangover like a “Mexican Jumping Bean” on bath salts to wipe these boys ass cracks. Honesty, from 2005-2016 my sons had the cleanest butt on the planet. My wife would rent a power washer to rinse out the turds. She would then install one of those “Vanilla Roma” yellow trees in their hineys. I must admit, it was very cute at first. When they were like 3-4 years old. Mama cleaning her boys. Mama instinct. Mama doing her finest work. Mama and son bond. Then they turned 11. They yelled, “I’m done.” Wait what! “Where you going babe?” I shouted. “I’m going to wipe my babies butt” she replied! “Babies” I said. These kids are tipping the scales at 150lbs and dropping deuces like Harry from “Dumb & Dumber”. It all came full circle when I was overtaken by curiosity. I had to see what was going on. I busted the bathroom door open and saw my wifes arm 6” deep into my child’s pooper shooter. I had to put my foot down. I told my wife, “it’s time to let go my love.” She wiped the anal crevice one last time and that was it. Mother and son “shit bond” had been broken. I honestly felt bad for her. It was getting out of hand. I had visions of my sons on their prom night taking a crap and my crazy ass wife hiding behind the soap dispenser jumping out and cleaning their anal crack before they got back on the dance floor to do “The Humpty Dance”
I tried to help her. I offered to take a crap and asked if she would like to wipe my ass. She said it wouldn’t be the same. I understood.
4) When do you finally agree to shut the Air Conditioning off? We are lucky in this department. We both like to be cold during the summer months. We have had an extended month of warmth. There has been some chilly days. I personally felt it was time to shut the AC off and open up the windows for a dose of fresh air. I mentioned this to the “Thermostat Nazi.” This behavior is disturbing. I went to take a pee the other day and the overspray froze to my shin. She won’t negotiate with me. The children have frostbite and their toes are turning black. I have frozen cows hanging from my ceilings just waiting for Rocky to start pounding on them. She ice skates up and down the hallway like Tanya Harding at a “knee replacement” fundraiser. Our family needs to thaw out.
And people believe I’m the crazy one!