We all have our pet peeves in life. They are different for everybody.
Here is a list of my top 10 pet peeves that absolutely drive me insane. Although I can go on and on with a 1000 more of these, I just don’t have the time, energy or storage available on my phone.
These pet peeves are in no particular order. They are equally aggravating and drive me to the brink of removing my ears with an electric can opener as I jab a pitch fork through my eyeballs.
We must carry on in life. We cannot control these doings of others. All we can do is accept, adapt and learn how to get through the day.
A pet peeve is a creation in our own mind. What bothers one person may have no impression on another. It’s very interesting.
Accept the things you cannot change.
Here is my list
10. Gum Cackling Waitress
There is nothing more annoying than a waitress at a restaurant chewing her gum rapidly (cackling) and blowing bubbles and snapping her trident between her dentures. It drives me insane. I will leave. Unless you are a server at a truck stop diner in Montana, this is unacceptable. Please stop.
9. Horn honker behind you at a red light
These impatient sons of bitches need there hands removed to prevent this. As soon as the light turns green these ass munchers behind you lay on the horn like they are a train conductor crossing a railroad school intersection. Your impatient honking will make no difference. It changes nothing. It will only confirm you will reach the next traffic light 3 seconds earlier to start this process all over again.
8. The 103 year old lady smoking a cigarette driving a 1974 green 29 ft Cadillac ahead of you.
This all happens in the fast lane of course. They reach a max speed of 28 miles per hour. First off get off the road. Second, where are you going.? You’re a century old. What is your destination? I need to know. Where does a 103 year old woman travel to at 1:30pm on a Wednesday? Unless you are scheduled for a guest appearance at the Museum of Natural History in NYC you should be home on the couch knitting a sweater.
7. Pumping gas.
If you drive a vehicle we cannot avoid this. You must put gasoline in your tank to operate the car. Ok no problem. I give the attendant a $20 bill for gas. All is good until you have filled up with $19.25. That last .75 cents takes forever and you are determined to put every cent in as you battle extreme weather conditions and ethanol fume poisoning. The entire time you believe the gas station wants you to walk away and give up so they can reap the benefits of gas you paid for but didn’t use. Not me. If I have to stand there for a month to squeeze every penny of gas I paid for so be it. I will lose a months pay to save a quarter. Fuck them.
6. Cotton Mouth
We have all been dehydrated at one time or another. I get it. Please be aware of your lip situation. There is nothing more disturbing than those two little white spitballs that develop at each corner of your mouth. The more you speak the bigger it grows. It’s like building a snowman. Stop talking. Drink some water. Hydrate. Clean your lip and get the hell away from me because if that thing lands on me life as I know it is over. Thanks
When we greet each other we shake hands. It’s the proper thing to do. I’m cool with that. Before you make contact with me as our
hands connect, please get your situation under control. I’ve worked in construction 20 years. My hands are still in good order. Proper hand etiquette. If I’m having a bad hand day I will throw my elbow up and pound you out. I have respect for my fellow man. If your hand is laced with calluses , infested with chicken pox and your index finger is 2 inches longer than your middle finger don’t embrace my hand and expect a positive reaction. Trust me. We feel the unhealthy inconsistency of your finger length and honestly it becomes very uncomfortable. I feel like I’m locking hands with a creature from the Hobbit and I don’t like that. Let’s just pound out elbows and call it a day. Your hands are not designed for human contact.
4. Movie theater popcorn salesman.
We all like going to the movies. A chance to escape reality for a minute. We over pay for this experience but we push forward. What aggravates me is when I order a small popcorn and the 13 year old employee with Miley Cyrus braces asks me if I want a medium popcorn for a dollar less. This honestly becomes one of the hardest questions I have ever been asked. Is it a trick? I am never sure how to answer this. To be honest, I feel like my intelligence has been insulted. My answer is always no. Here is why. I’m not gonna eat it. It’s going to wind up in the trash. Even though I’m saving a dollar for more product I would only be wasting precious popcorn. Sounds like a bad decision and it probably is. I legit fear this encounter with a puberty fueled employee covered in pimples with an under developed mustache. I’ve never felt so dumb in my life.
3. Mom jeans.
Listen ladies. I get it. You get older. You get married. Have children. That body you once had is gone like the wind. No shame in that. We as husbands morph into bald, beer bellied, faded tattooed, under achieving specimen. You are not alone. It happens to the best of us. The inevitable. If you are married to a good man they will always see you just as beautiful as the day you met. Then you throw on a pair of “Mom jeans.” Don’t don’t do this. This will make us now think we are at a Walmart beauty contest. If you are not comfortable with your body that’s ok. You would be better off wearing a Thanksgiving day table cloth. Grandmas plastic couch covering will do just fine. Please don’t put on a pair of jeans that rise up to the bottom of your boobs and makes your ass look like you have a stack of pancakes in it. There are so many more options for pants. Don’t settle for the classic “Mom jean.” It’s a sign of surrender. We would rather see you wrap your ass with tinfoil.
2. Chinese counter help
I love Chinese food. One of my favorites. Sometimes the ordering process can be a bit stressful. Here is a tip to the Chinese women wearing a snow suit because the Chinese race doesn’t believe in heat. You need to give us a minute. Your menu includes 1895 items and I’m not a fast reader. Stop staring at me waiting for my order as I try to figure out what type of animal is the main ingredient in Moo Goo Gai Pan. Please stop yelling at the co workers. Its uncomfortable. I only wanted an egg roll and you start screaming at Mr Chin like he assassinated your hamster. Relax. It’s a $1.79. Not that serious.
1. Smart cars
This one is most disturbing. It starts with the name. I understand some run on electric. Environmentally friendly. You can fit two vehicles in one parking spot. Yes this all seems so smart. What happens when a dump truck accidentally rear ends you? Or an 18 wheeler can’t see you in his mirror and crushes you? How smart are you now? The vehicle should be properly named “Smart car until you crash dumbass.” What else bothers me is the height of the people driving these hot wheel matchbox cars. My thought is smaller people should be attracted to this smart means of transportation. For some strange reason all the drivers of these cars seem to be 6′ 4 and 358 pounds as their heads are jammed up against the roof and their ass is in the trunk. It’s amazing to see. For something so smart it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
Last minute Bonus pet peeve
White kids trying to be black
Please white children. Stop this. It’s embarrassing. I understand Black people are cool. I get it. They are cool because they are Black. What’s not cool is a milky White kid with corn rolls who’s father invented “whiteout” walking around town like he’s Malcom X. Don’t get me wrong. I am guilty of turning Black for a minute or two. It happens to all of us. We all have that Black friend we haven’t seen in a while and when we bump into them we momentarily become Black. We do that handshake followed by the chest bump. Use phrases like “no doubt” , “what’s good” and “I got you”. We part ways and it’s back to being White. It’s all good. What aggravates me is this. The other day I was at the local mall. Two extremely white kids, one dressed like Re-run and the other dressed like JJ Walker from good times were arguing. All I heard was each one yelling “what’s up n.” “Let’s go n”. “Let’s do this n”. Now the “n” word is to be only spoken by Black people. It’s a rule. So I’m so stupid I hear this and I’m waiting for a Black kid to arrive and join the fight. Nope. Just two crackers duking it out. Cut the shit. You sound and look stupid.
I have so many other pet peeves. These were the first ten plus one that came to my mind and seem to aggravate me the most.
Let me know what some of your pet peeves are. I’d love to hear what you all have to say.